I am bitter. I didn't grow up with love, but hate instead. I was bread with hate and hate was my every meal. I was forcefed it and it was all I knew. I haven't the slightest clue of what normal is. I wasn't treated as a human being, but as a tool. An object that serves the means to get things done, to increase income, and provide services.
In my last relationship I often like like an object, an accessory. I did not and do not matter in both cases, but my actions, services, things I "supposed" to do and not the things I want to do, along with blind obedience is what was desired instead.
Defiance is what I'm known for to some. Rebellion that started once I learned the meaning of a word hypocrisy. It defined a whole lifetime for me. The very things I was taught were not practiced by the people teaching them.
There are things in my personality that are not present in my surroundings. I do wonder how could have something grown inside that didn't learn from people around me. Common sense perhaps? Common sense is not so common.
I always swore I would never turn into what I hate, but I don't have any example to follow. I only have an anti-rolemodel. I know all the things I don't want to be, but I don't know how to be anything else. I am what I hate. I am bitter. I don't want to be. I need to break my foundation and rebuild myself. I won't choose to be this.
 niatsu · Fri Aug 28, 2009 @ 06:00am · 0 Comments |
