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Cooldown: Brain Working Entry 1: The Apology |
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So yeah. Remember that whole "Grrblarblarbl SPLODE" thing? Well, now I've reached another state. This is now where I can look inside of myself and not be blinded by the roiling seas of discordant thought. Where I can split the waters of my consciousness, see every aspect in semi-clarity. This is the eerie calm after the storm hits, and everyone is marveling at the concept of silence and peace after the thrashing of nature.
Unfortunately, what I see is at once beautiful and terrible, an insurmountable obstacle. Much confusion could have been spared had I not screwed up before. In retrospect only can we make the right decisions, I'm afraid. I both crushed hopes, acted in a horrendously self-serving and disregarding manner, and deeply hurt a close friend. More unluckily still, I have only learned the extent of my idiocy recently, and through hearsay. I regret further that I had only learned sooner.
Let's face it. I have flaws. I'm a procrastinator to the core, impatient, sometimes impulsive, I have bursts of utter self-glorification, during which everyone else gets thrown under the bus. I think too much, worry too much, give up easily, and crack under heavy pressure. I'm far from the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to insinuations and subtle nudges.
Basically what I'm trying to say here is that I know I screwed up big-time, I don't know how to proceed very well, and I'm far from perfect. I know that the person to whom this is addressed- (if you're reading this and you're her, you know who you are) has no reason to forgive me or accept my flaws. I know that she could do right in never speaking to me again. But I also know that despite this, I'm willing to ask for forgiveness. Willing to pick myself up, dust myself down, put it down to experience if it's not happening. Willing to take a shot or two or three in the dark, if I can have that chance.
How I have wandered in my monologue so, yet more I have to say. More and less, it's confusing. Having burnt my hand twice on the oven, I'm not lightly going to put it back on the stove if need be. I realize you are having the same problem. It's so...frustrating...the way things work out, huh? How the best things in life are never free. And how the best-laid plans of mice and men, do often go awry.
 Val Ritz · Tue Jan 12, 2010 @ 07:48am · 0 Comments |
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