Lorak Lucan
It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Mr. Mom, woke up in a bush. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling excessively displeased, Mr. Mom deflowered a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved diary was missing! Immediately he called his parole officer, Sarena128. Mr. Mom had known Sarena128 for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were striking ones. Sarena128 was unique. She was charismatic though sometimes a little... oafish. Mr. Mom called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Sarena128 picked up to a very calm Mr. Mom. Sarena128 calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras belch before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually explosively belch *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Mr. Mom. Why was Sarena128 trying to distract Mr. Mom? Because she had snuck out from Mr. Mom's with the diary only four days prior. It was a sassy little diary... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Mr. Mom got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Sarena128 shuddered. Relunctantly, Sarena128 invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. Mr. Mom grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Sarena128 realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the diary and she had to do it carefully. She figured that if Mr. Mom took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, she had take at least six minutes before Mr. Mom would get there. But if he took the time machine? Then Sarena128 would be very screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Sarena128 was interrupted by three funny-smelling Care Bears that were lured by her diary. Sarena128 yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling frustrated, she aggressively reached for her live hand grenade and randomly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the time machine rolling up. It was Mr. Mom.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Mr. Mom was out of the time machine and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Sarena128's front door. Meanwhile inside, Sarena128 was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the diary into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind her elephant. Sarena128 was angered but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Sarena128 wildly purred. With a careful push, Mr. Mom opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted genocidal maniac in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Sarena128 assured him. Mr. Mom took a seat uncomfortably close to where Sarena128 had hidden the diary. Sarena128 yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Mr. Mom was distracted. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Sarena128 noticed a pestering look on Mr. Mom's face. Mr. Mom slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Sarena128 felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Mr. Mom asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the diary right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Mr. Mom's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Mr. Mom nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Sarena128 could react, Mr. Mom recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.
Mr. Mom stared at Sarena128 for what what must've been two microseconds. As if it really mattered Sarena128 groped sassily in Mr. Mom's direction, clearly desperate. Mr. Mom grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Sarena128 let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Mr. Mom,' she rebuked. Sarena128 always had been a little selfish, so Mr. Mom knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Sarena128 did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at her or something. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Sarena128 looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Mr. Mom. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Mr. Mom. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Sarena128 walked over to the window and looked down. Mr. Mom was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Mr. Mom was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Sarena128's place. Mr. Mom had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to Mr. Mom. Already weakened from his injury, Mr. Mom yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his diary.
But then God came down with His congenial smile and restored Mr. Mom's diary. Feeling puzzled, God smote the Care Bears for their injustice. Then He got in His neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket and sped away with the fortitude of 153 Indonesian devil cats running from a shrunken pack of 3-legged wallabies. Mr. Mom tripped with joy when he saw this. His diary was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes his favorite TV show, Lizzie McGuire, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When South American hissing sloths meet pipe bomb'). Mr. Mom was relieved. And so, everyone except Sarena128 and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.
Sarena128 picked up to a very calm Mr. Mom. Sarena128 calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras belch before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually explosively belch *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Mr. Mom. Why was Sarena128 trying to distract Mr. Mom? Because she had snuck out from Mr. Mom's with the diary only four days prior. It was a sassy little diary... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Mr. Mom got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Sarena128 shuddered. Relunctantly, Sarena128 invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. Mr. Mom grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Sarena128 realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the diary and she had to do it carefully. She figured that if Mr. Mom took the neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket, she had take at least six minutes before Mr. Mom would get there. But if he took the time machine? Then Sarena128 would be very screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Sarena128 was interrupted by three funny-smelling Care Bears that were lured by her diary. Sarena128 yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling frustrated, she aggressively reached for her live hand grenade and randomly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the time machine rolling up. It was Mr. Mom.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Mr. Mom was out of the time machine and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Sarena128's front door. Meanwhile inside, Sarena128 was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the diary into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind her elephant. Sarena128 was angered but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Sarena128 wildly purred. With a careful push, Mr. Mom opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted genocidal maniac in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Sarena128 assured him. Mr. Mom took a seat uncomfortably close to where Sarena128 had hidden the diary. Sarena128 yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Mr. Mom was distracted. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Sarena128 noticed a pestering look on Mr. Mom's face. Mr. Mom slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Sarena128 felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Mr. Mom asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the diary right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Mr. Mom's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Mr. Mom nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Sarena128 could react, Mr. Mom recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.
Mr. Mom stared at Sarena128 for what what must've been two microseconds. As if it really mattered Sarena128 groped sassily in Mr. Mom's direction, clearly desperate. Mr. Mom grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Sarena128 let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Mr. Mom,' she rebuked. Sarena128 always had been a little selfish, so Mr. Mom knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Sarena128 did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at her or something. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Sarena128 looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Mr. Mom. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Mr. Mom. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Sarena128 walked over to the window and looked down. Mr. Mom was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Mr. Mom was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Sarena128's place. Mr. Mom had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to Mr. Mom. Already weakened from his injury, Mr. Mom yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his diary.
But then God came down with His congenial smile and restored Mr. Mom's diary. Feeling puzzled, God smote the Care Bears for their injustice. Then He got in His neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket and sped away with the fortitude of 153 Indonesian devil cats running from a shrunken pack of 3-legged wallabies. Mr. Mom tripped with joy when he saw this. His diary was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes his favorite TV show, Lizzie McGuire, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When South American hissing sloths meet pipe bomb'). Mr. Mom was relieved. And so, everyone except Sarena128 and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.
xd I woff you! <333
That's the funniest thing I've ever read. <3
