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Hi gaia journal. Long time no see sweatdrop I'm going to attempt a journal entry for the first time in years. Here goes......

I'm at a crossroads. In a lot of ways. I'm at a point in my life where I'm looking to move into adulthood, and for the most part it's going very well. I have a great job with real benefits (a pretty impressive feat for someone my age) I'll be getting my hands on a good car very soon and I'll be moving out of mom' house. Sounds fantastic, right? It is, in a lot of ways.

But a part of me looks in the mirror and says "Go have an adventure. Don't get tied down into maturity too early. You're young, go take advantage of that!" And I'd like to. I'd like to have parties, get more piercings, get my hair in crazy cuts and colors.

Most of all I'd like to have the guts to move to New Mexico and start poking my nose into the film industry. I want to be an actress. I adore acting more than almost anything. And NM is a great place to do it! There are so many opportunities here and hardly anyone breaking into the industry looks there and says "That's where I'll get my start!" No, they all look to New York and L.A. So maybe I'd have a chance, ya know? But.....I'd miss AK a lot. I've lived there my whole life. All my friends are there. I sort of have the urge to see if anyone feels adventurous enough to come run away with me. We'll see.....

Another crossroads is in my romantic life. I LOVE love. Who doesn't? It's a wonderful feeling! But I just came out of a very committed relationship that I thought was going to go the distance. Life got in the way of that, which was crushing. But now that I'm on the path to healing, I'm not sure what to do next. I have a lot of options open to me; I could find another guy to love and who will love me. I could have a casual thing that was exclusive, but not serious. Or I could go snag a ******** (excuse the language) I have guys who could be these things. But the fact that I don't know what I want definitely keeps me away from the serious relationship because it would SO not be fair to the guy. So that's out. And as for the guy who would be purely fooling around, I'm not really great at emotional detatchment if I like someone so I don't think it would actually work very well. And kinda the same thing with the casual relationship, though that is the most viable option. So, for now I'm trying to avoid all of it. I'm trying to keep my head clear and to not let involvement with a boy dictate whether I'm happy or not. Which, for me, is a LOT tougher than it sounds.

I don't know what to do gaia; Be free, wild, fun and follow my dreams, but risk heart breaking lonliness away from home and without love? Or do I stay the course, keep growing up, be responsible and prudent, yet miss out on my young life?

Only time will tell........