Dedicated to everyone in the HP RP I'm in that supported me throughout all the parts. <3 Couldn't have done it without you guys, and I'm glad you guys stuck by me! (And HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAY! It's an hour and a half before midnight, so it's still your birthday in Florida!
*Warnings: WHOLE CRAP TONS OF SELF-DEPRECATION. Button went crazy smackin' those boys with the Woobie-Angst bat, and made no room for the funny this time. Oh and...AMBIGUOUS ENDING. (Neither happy...or sad. Just hopeful.)
*Suggested Listening: Countdown by Isaac Shepard
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.Epilogue.
"We must treasure every second in our lives...”
.Epilogue.
"We must treasure every second in our lives...”
They’ve been through so much, it’s a wonder they’re still friends.
They’ve had their ups...and their downs.
They’ve been through prejudice…and changes of all sorts.
Feelings become mixed. Actions suddenly speak much louder than words.
And sometimes the line between friendship and love is blurred and rubbed out. If one noticed, the other will try to redraw the line.
It’s always drawn different, according to who blurred it.
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Gene considers Tophe.
Tophe is his best mate, has been for so long that it’s hard for Gene to imagine a time when he had a friend like Tophe. In prejudice and strains on their long-working friendship, Tophe has stuck with him. Wiser people, Gene is sure, would’ve given up on Gene the moment he started to convert into an actual Slytherin. Cunning, distant to those who aren’t ‘like them’ (and by ‘them’, Gene means ‘pureblood’), and willing to do almost anything to get their way. Someone as sweet and kind as Tophe would never put up with the kinds of changes Gene went through to become the person he is today.
It amazes Gene more than anything in the world that someone would really…care that much about him. Tophe holds such a high regard for him, while reminding him that he is still, above every other label that people put on him, human. Yes…Tophe makes him feel less like the spoiled son of a wealthy family he’s been raised to embrace and more like part of the human race. Gene feels alive and happy when he’s with Tophe…
That’s why it scares Gene, worse than the thought of his own mother dying, to ever think about losing Tophe. Whether it’s to someone competing for Gene’s place as ‘best mate’ or to death itself, Gene doesn’t know what kind of world he’d live in if he didn’t have Tophe by his side.
It hurts. Sometimes when Gene lies in bed, his mind will wander to Tophe. His smile, his laugh…his everything. How none of it belongs to Gene, and how it never will, the way he’s changing. Constantly, Gene is reminded that he can’t have Tophe and feels a sharp pain in his chest.
Some day, Tophe will leave. Gene is surprised and amazed all the same that Tophe hasn’t come to his senses and just dump him for someone better. The Slytherin isn’t blind to the changes he’s undergone over the past few years.
A few for better, but mostly for worse. He’s more confident in his abilities…but can be manipulative when he wants something. He doesn’t have any problems talking to people of the opposite or same sex…but only because he wants to shag them half the time. He’s still got some innocence…but probably not where it counts, in Slytherin House.
Sometimes, he hates what he sees in his reflection, and wonders if Tophe can see all the flaws that Gene notices in himself.
Disgusting, hideous flaws that mar Gene. He’s no longer the innocent and sweet boy he was at 11. Gone are the days of boyhood and foolish dreams; instead, there is a shove (or a shag, if you wanted to be pessimistic) into adulthood and possibly a grim future in store for Gene. As easy as rebelling against one’s father may sound…it really isn’t. Gene wonders if he makes it look easy to Tophe, the way he hides the repercussions of defying his father.
Deep down, even more deeply-buried than these feelings he has for Tophe, Gene knows he’ll be a Death Eater, a murderer, whether it’s by his own choice (highly unlikely) or his family’s (excluding his mother. But if it kept Gene safe…). If there is anything he hates, even more than being unable to protect the people he loves, it’s becoming like his father, becoming someone who is neglectful to his wife and children in order to preserve the family name.
Screw their name, screw everything in his life! He’d give up everything, anything, just to have the courage to tell Tophe the truth. He knows he needs Tophe so much more than Tophe needs him. He wants his best friend’s love more than anything else in the entire world! But he’s a coward, a lonely coward…
So Gene seeks for warmth in other places, to satisfy the burning in his loins. There are others who feel the way he does, for people who they know won’t love them back, and he seeks them. It’s not as random as people think, when Gene eyes a person with interest. He knows the look of hopelessness underneath layers of fake casualty, and invites them to get rid of their worries with him. (Like a whore.)
Gene’s only interest in shagging other people is to bury that aching, lonely feeling he gets; these flings mean next to nothing to him as long as he can’t tell Tophe he loves him. With every passing fling, Gene can feel his bonds with Tophe slipping…slipping…falling into nothingness. He can see the indescribable look in Tophe’s eyes and feels that ache, along with that sadness, come back in spades. Suddenly, it’s harder to get rid of that burning, that temptation to just…do something, anything to Tophe to show him that he cares. Gene finds that the lonelier he feels, the more flings he must have in order to squash that sadness. With every fling he partakes in, the more temptation that builds up inside him.
Sometimes...it hurts a lot more than he wants it to. There are noticeable dips in how many flings he has when that happens and Gene is scared that Tophe will notice and wonder. He can’t let him wonder, won’t ever set his lustful gazes on him. He saves them for nights where imagining Tophe is more favorable over the company of warm skin. His whimsical smile, that endearing blush…that magnetic personality that draws other towards him. Gene finds himself both wanting the real thing and aching over the reality of his situation.
He can never have Tophe…but he will try his best to be happy for the life his best mate will live without him.
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Tophe considers Gene.
They’re as different as night and day, now that they’re older. Gene’s tall, Tophe’s short. Gene’s vain and disinterested in what doesn’t interest him, Tophe’s the sweetheart to everybody. Slytherin, Hufflepuff. Pure-blood, Muggleborn. Tophe can’t imagine a more bizarre, yet perfect friendship. There isn’t another like their’s in the world, and that’s just the way he likes it. Tophe knows that perhaps, had he been a wiser person, he should’ve dumped Gene the moment he started to reform himself into an entirely different person. Well, not entirely. Gene still had that gorgeous smile of his, one that could light up a room if he didn’t focus it on just one person. He still had that startling, enigmatic personality that seemed to draw people, good or bad, towards him.
Though vain he may be, Gene is still the wonderful person who saved Tophe from the bullies on the Hogwarts Express all those years ago. No matter how much time has passed, Tophe knows he will always be there for Gene when he needs the Hufflepuff. Likewise, Gene would always find a way to figure out if anything was ever wrong with Tophe.
So it’s a wonder that Gene hasn’t found out about his own feelings for him. Feeling harbored, growing, blooming since they were twelve and even now, after all the changes both him and Gene have gone through, there is still love for his best mate. The smile that shined, regardless of whether he was smiling at something good or bad, never failed in making Tophe want to smile himself. That laugh could be infectious, in the right timbre and situation. Gene makes Tophe feel warm, safe even; there is no denying that he absolutely loves the Slytherin. Gene was many of Tophe’s firsts. First best mate, first kiss…and now his first love.
He will forever loathe that toerag Drew for not only taking Gene’s virginity (but oh did he ever get the wanker back good), but also making him realize…that he may never truly have Gene for himself. As much as Tophe cares about Gene, and hopefully Gene for him, the haughty blond would never belong to him the way he longed for him. Gene was like a butterfly, perhaps, flitting from flower to flower in search for sweet nectar. And Tophe, it seems, was the only flower that Gene hadn’t touched upon. Or maybe Gene was the bee, attracted by the delicious honey around him. Only Tophe wasn’t the kind of honey bees were drawn to.
(What Tophe fails to understand, or acknowledge, is that bees love honey. Any honey. All honey.)
Gene doesn’t show any particular interest in moving ‘them’ past their long and rather challenging friendship. In fact, it’s almost as if Gene doesn’t want their friendship to go anywhere past…well, friendship! It’s disappointing and by now, Tophe has decided to accept it. Gene doesn’t want Tophe ‘like that’, and Tophe has to be happy for his best mate because that’s what good best mates did.
…Except he hasn’t accepted any of it, even after two years of watching Gene sleep around with people that aren’t him and it really ******** hurts. One would think the pain would just feel numb by now, but it hasn’t. There are times…were times…when he had the chance to tell Gene how much he loved him.
Perhaps he could of told Gene when they were sixteen, talking about prospective boyfriends for Tophe. Maybe the time was just right when they were fifteen, and Gene was still hurting over Drew’s betrayal. He certainly had a chance when Gene was fourteen, and Tophe figured out from his blushing best mate that the taller blond too…thought guys were pretty attractive. Or he could of tried the morning after the thirteen-year-old Slytherin had cried his eyes out over something that just struck a nerve in Tophe’s heart. They’d been twelve when they shared each other’s first kiss, perhaps that had been the perfect time.
Even their fateful meeting on the Hogwarts Express…there had been a chance, as small as it may have been.
And yet…he chose not to say a thing. Such a cowardly heart he had! He was too scared of Gene’s reaction, his utter disapproval. Tophe can’t picture how it would play out without tearing up every time. He’s sure of it. Gene’s rejection would hurt him worse than any stab at his blood status or sexual orientation. How foolish he is, to even think of Gene in that light! It only ends in hurtful reminders…
(But perhaps Gene is the honey that drew Tophe in.)
No, his fear of rejection isn’t the only factor that keeps him from approaching Gene. The constant reminder, the seemingly-looming shadow that clings to his best mate…of the taller blond’s father. Mr. Darlington, despite all the civility he shows Tophe when the young man visits Gene over holidays, despises Tophe; the feeling, of course, if very mutual. Tophe can see the underlying hurt in Gene’s eyes when they talk about the austere man. He knows for a fact that Gene tries to hide his father’s subtle influence over his life from the Hufflepuff, to the point where any conversation about the man turns into something bitter very fast.
It’s that influence that makes Tophe scared; what if the man tried to hurt Gene because of him? Or, worse, Gene’s mother and little sister? Tophe couldn’t live with the guilt if anything ever happened to Gene…he’d endure thousands of hardships and struggles if it meant Gene and the family that he loves is safe.
It’s hard, really is, to keep on smiling. Sometimes…Gene looks a bit unsure of himself. Almost lonely, when he talks about his recent flings. When it gets too hard to listen, or remember what he can’t have, he’d close his eyes and simply…imagine them. Together. Caden is a wonderful distraction, and if the stronger male ever knew that Tophe replaced him with images of Gene, he (and Gene, for sure) would be so dead. He felt a little guilty, using Caden the way he did…but then again, Caden was just using him too. So fair is fair, right? Right.
Tophe knows he can’t do a thing about his feelings for Gene…but the least he can do is try to be happy for his best mate.
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I want you, I miss you, I need you, I love you, but I cannot tell you.
Our eyes shall meet, our souls converse.
Our hearts…will simply yearn.
- The End -
