MY YEARS ON GAIAONLINE. FROM THE START, TO THE VERY END.
Heyy... :// I don't usually write in this journal thing. because I never had use for it. but now I have so many things to write about. and maybe some of these things will help my life. however odd that sounds...so let me inform you. of my horrible, crazy life.
so let me start from 2008,
I was a noob back then, had no friends, hadn't a clue about this online chat site. until my best friend In real life Zariah informed me of all this. she said ''Hey bella, I have a secret site we can go on. only for the two of us, to signal our friendship". and I agreed to it. I hardly used the computer back then. I was like 13 at this time. in the fifth grade, a kid. I had not a clue what I would discover on this site. So I signed up like my friend egged me on to do. I joined, we talked through messages. hung out in rally, even though people laughed at me because of my avatar. and I was retarded back then and I didn't know wtf they were laughing at. then I looked at my jacked up avatar, and the others amazing avatars. I realized that I was what they called a 'noob' I use to think it was like a .. door knob. so I was confused until My friend Zariah explained to me that it didn't mean that. It meant you had no gold, you were poor, and had 'uncool' clothes. so I earned up gold each day, and I became a little more richer. at this time I think i was in hollywood where I met a friend named Star. she was my 1st friend aside from Zariah that I actually liked. she was nice, talked to me everyday. she was like, the bestest friend I had online. I loved her. really, I did. so each day we became closer, hung out, talked, chat. until one day she invited me to rally with some friends. Shawn, may, and of course me and Star. Star was apparently dating Shawn at the time. and May was Shawn's sister. She introduced me to her friends, I talked to shawn, he was really nice. I even took a small crush to him as soon as I met him without even knowing him. which was weird. but ya know, I was young. and so me and May started whispering back and forth, she stated "I like shawn, but he's dating star. I don't really like star to be honest". and I whispered back, "Oh, he seems nice. Star's nice to. but i'd rather have him to myself". Yeah, I know this was wrong. trying to still Star's boyfriend. but I was foolish back then. "I'm sure they won't last long. Shawn already told me he liked me anyways". then we stopped whispering. Me, Star, Shawn, and May all continued to talk and things.
Then a couple months from there, Shawn and Star broke up. and It was sad really, they had been dating sense 2007 I think. it was either one year, or more. but all I know they were together for a very long time. and to see them split apart, was very very sad. so I was in rally with Star, Shawn, and May again. but this time Star and shawn became friends and May and Shawn were still sister and brother. Star told me that may had been after Shawn ever sense they were dating and that she didn't like shawn at all. not one bit. but Shawn and May were on the other side of the rally at this time, what me and Star didn't know, was that while we were busy sulking about Shawn and Star's break up, May and Shawn were hooking up. they came back, and announced it to me and Star. star was sad, hurt, and heartbroken. I understood this...it was wrong what May did. and I even felt bad that I had egged it on after Star had been a fab, friend to me. and she was the first I met. so Shawn and May started dating, and Star quit after a while, saying there was no point in joining Gaia when Shawn had a new gf, and she had no other friends. I tried to stop her, but she didn't listen. and she left...I lost one friend that day. I was sad...because I missed her. we had been friend for a year in a half. not even...and she left.
So then I had to deal with the fact that May and Shawn were then dating, I became Shawn's best friend, we always hung out. we never thought about dating not even once. I use to crack jokes, he use to crack jokes. we use to be the best of friends. I never thought it was possible that I could have a guy friend as close as shawn. I mean, he was amazing...he was ALWAYS there for me. and I loved him to death...and I even, well became more closer to him. more so that I became jealous when him and May hung out. Shawn was amazing. and then May and Shawn broke up after a year or so. me and Shawn had been friends for two years sense Star had quit. and I was okay with that. Shawn was single, and May and Shawn didn't talk after they broke up. I think they hated each other. and I knew this was my chance to date Shawn. but then I looked at May and Shawn. they were once Bro and sis, then they became boyfriend and girlfriend. they broke up, never talked again. I didn't want to loose Shawn. he meant to much to me..to risk loosing. so I kept to myself that I had feelings for him. we continued to be best friends. and then I met Jay, Jeremiah Jackson. he was funny, and a nice friend to. him and Shawn were also friends. and we use to all hang out. each day. it was so much fun..I met up with Shawn and Jake. Jake was one of Shawn's friends back at this time. he may not remember him..but I do. till this day I still talk to him. but anyways, Jake was like another close guy friend of mine. and I told him I had a crush on Shawn a while back, and he promised to never tell Shawn. but each day he got mad at me, he threatened to spill our secret. until one day I got fed up and I told him to tell Shawn when he came, he did, and I ran to the other side of the rally for fear he wouldn't feel the same. but then Shawn came over, and said "You like me?" and I said, "Uh, yeah..for a long time now" and he said, "I do to". and so then I was like, "Sooo what now?" and he said, "Well I guess we can start dating ;P" and I was happy. but I promised myself we wouldn't end up like Star and him, and May and him. we'd be together forever<3 I couldn't loose him.
Me and Shawn were still together. we came from BEST BEST FRIENDS. to boyfriend and Girlfriend. I loved him, for the first time in my online life I felt love for someone as sweet and amazing as him. he was just so...awesome. we hung out with Jay, and everyone else. I think this was the time I met Rachel (nicole). she was a friend I met In rally as well. I met her when me and May use to be friends. Nicole was May's sister..or daughter. I can't remember. it was to long back. and so anyways, me and Shawn, Rachel, Jay we were best buds. hung out everyday. It was fun. but then May started messaging me talking about how she's happy for me and Shawn. I felt kind of bad. so I asked "Are you mad?" and she said, "No, I'm happy for you to." and I said, "Thanks. why did you and Shawn break up anyways?" I didn't really care to be honest. I was just trying to be a caring friend like I always tried to be. "Nothing, I guess it just didn't work out". and I said "Oh". so then one day, I decided it was ridiculous for May and Shawn to be mad at each other, so I invited them both to vj so they could work things out. I NEVER EVER knew, that later in my life....it could hurt me and Shawn's relationship so much. you guys have no idea what May put me through. but at this time, all was fine and dandy. I never knew the b***h was after my man. so Shawn and May became bro and sis again. I didn't have a problem with it. I was happy I reunited them.
A couple months later I noticed how May and Shawn always pro commented each other. yes, I read Shawn's pro comments. It was intentional. really, It wasn't. just..on his profile it was just a lonnngg list full of comments. who wouldn't be curious to read that? So I use to read his comments sometimes..and I saw that May would constantly throw small flirty comments out to shawn. and he'd reply back flirty back..I let it go though, thinking I was just jealous and I was over reacting. but it continued, they kept poking each other like *poke* and stuff. and every time me and Shawn would hang out, May would stalk. like EVERY TIME. and I mean, can't I get some alone time with Shawn? I didn't mind her coming along. just, when she did...Shawn ignored me. and It hurt...because I thought he still had feelings for her. I mean, it could be possible. they did date for a year or so. but like I always did..I let it pass. so me and May stayed friends, shawn and her continued talking, being bro and sis. Jay became shawn's bro at this time. and Jay and May were bro and sis to. Jay had a crush on may. but I was the only one who knew that, Jay didn't want anyone else to know. why? I don't know. find Jay and ask him and see. (iibu3ii) so anyways, Me, Shawn, May, and Jay hung out a lot in rallies. I likes Jay, because he use to flirt with May and destract her from talking to Shawn. I know how that sounds, really mean. but it's true because you guys just don't know how irritating it was trying to pretend everything was okay even though It wasn't. having best friend who still liked your boyfriend who happened to be her ex. but sometimes May would steal Shawn's attention away from me, and me and Jay would just be left alone while they were runnin around poking each other...Jay was sad because he knew May still liked Shawn. and he liked her..and I was sad because I knew may liked Shawn and I was scared that Shawn still liked her. so me and Jay both had issues. it sucked...
Year of 2010
Me and Shawn had been dating for three in a half years, and I was so happy we were still together. but I was having problems I was scared to confront Shawn about. it got worser with May and Shawn. they hung out alone sometimes...and I knew that Shawn and her flirted a lot. I knew May sat behind him and stuff..and to me, that was a Romantic thing when you sat on someone..or well yeah, as romantic it would get online. but still, I didn't like it. so anyways, Jay told me one time that May and Shawn were in Vj's together flirting and sitting on each other. that pissed me off...A LOT. and so then I sent May a message saying. "I'm sorry may, I know I may be over reacting or whatever. but do you still like shawn? I think you do because everytime I've seen you throw flirty comments at him and things. and it bothers me. we're close friends, and I don't want this to split us up. but If you like him please back off, because you had your chance with him, and it's not my fault it got screwed up. he's mine now, so please don't screw are relationship up". and she replied back saying, "Bella, i would never mess you guys relationship up. I'm over shawn. we're just friends. close friends. sorry that you feel that way." and I was like, "I know, but it just seems like you do, and I'm not saying that you would ever hurt me like that, I trust you..it's just hard ya know. I'm kind of jealous of how much you guys hang out. and Shawn always ignores me when your around. how would you feel if he ignored you to talk to me while you guys were dating?". May replied back saying, "I'm sorry Bella but theres nothing going on with me and Shawn, I guess your just gonna have to understand that". and so I was like, "Okay, whatever" and I didn't talk to her for a lonng time. I was just so mad at her, she was acting like a total b***h. I mean, IM THE ONE WHO GOT THEM BACK TOGETHER! im the one who got them talking. If I wasn't for me, the conflict between me and Shawn would have never occurred. I then realized, I made a big mistake. I'm always trying to be nice, fix problems. not realizing that I risked my relationship with Shawn by bring May and Shawn back together.
So I stopped talking to may for a while, because of course I was mad at her. then I would see status remarks saying stuff like, "I'm gonna kill myself. I hate my life" On her status and Shawn would ALWAYS be like, "You okay sis? message me" and what everyone didn't know was that she LIES about things. her life wasn't messed up. she didn't have problems. she was just doing that to draw attention to herself. it made me so mad how Shawn would always go running to her aid every time she lied about stuff saying "Ugh! why does people always have to mess up my dad" then there would go shawn, "Wanna talk about it?"...and then when I would have problems he didn't seem half concerned. and I'm his own girlfriend. yet may was just a friend, not even his real sister, and he'd be more concerned about her problems. so at the time, the only two friends I had left was Rachel and Brittany, and Livy. I told Rachel most of my problems, when days where Britt was hardly on. and she'd always tell me, "Yeah, i agree that half the time May over reacts and tries to get attention from others." and I would tell her how I hate how shawn treated her more better then me. and she messaged shawn how I felt. every time I had issues I'd either tell Rachel, or Britt. and then they'd message shawn about it. and Shawn would always say, "I don't like may" I believed him like a ******** idiot. not knowing that he STILL did. and he was just hiding it to himself.
A while later me and shawn were talking through messages and then he brought up how I always tell other people how I feel and I never told him to his face. and that's true. I was always to scared to confront shawn about how I felt with him and May. so I'd tell all our business to my friends, when I should've handled it myself. even though I was grateful that I had true friends Like britt and Nicole, I still knew that I should've solved my own problems instead of bringing them into the mess. me and Shawn broke up for a while, and at this time I knew May would take her greedy little fingers and try to get Shawn to like her again. I didn't talk to may for months. she even deleted me once, and I didn't care. all she wanted was shawn, and she used me to get to him. And shawn was to dumb to see that. so I gave up, then Jay brought us back together a while back. and we started dating again..then I finally told shawn how I felt about how I thought he treated may better, and how I think she's trying to get back with you. and we worked out a problem. which was he'd stop talking to may. but even then he still talked to her. he thought I didn't know, but I did. and it pissed me off again. but like always, I did not confront Shawn like I did again.I thought I had became brave that one time. but I had fear that i'd loose him again. the first break up hurt to much..and I loved him sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. it's not even funny..I even thought about visiting him in real life. that's how serious I was with Shawn. I loved him to death, and i'd do anything, risk anything for this guy. yet, he never seemed to see this. maybe because I never told him. or he was to blind to see it. but like always, I just let it go. then we found a site called flockdraw from Rachel and Livy. me, shawn, livy, rachel, and Jay use to go there and talk all the time. this was a time where Shawn finally didn't talk to may as much. and I was happy. but then came Shira. and me and her became friends. and she became friends with shawn...they talked everyday on Gaia again. and first she dated Trey, Shawns best friend. but they broke up, and then Shira and Shawn started becoming like may, where I thought they would date or something because of how close they were. I trusted Shira though. so I didn't worry to much. but I was SO stupid for that.
Because a after a few months, I told Shira how I thought she liked shawn, and she said i'd never like him, i'd never hurt you. and niether would Shawn. I believed her. then I told shawn the same thing, he said he'd never hurt me, and that he did NOT like Shira. but ohhh...lmfao, you guys just dont KNOWWWWWWWWW how dumb I was. the WORST THING HAPPENED TO ME! shawn and me were having issues in are relationship as is, because I kept accusing him of liking someone who he apparalently didn't like. but that was a lie, because he dated Shira behind my back. then I saw Shira's profile with Shawn's avi on it, saying "My boyfriend shawn" I was confused, hurt, and shocked, so I messaged shawn about it. first time he never replied. and shira supposedly didn't know he was still dating me. so she tried to apologize. but I was PISSED AT THIS POINT. I TOOK NO MORE OF SHAWN AND SHIRA'S CRAP. I HAD BEEN HURT FOR THE LAST ******** TIME! I WAS SO FED UP! so i started yelling and cussing shira out like, 'I CAN';T BELIEVE YOU. YOU WERE THE ONE PERSON I TRUSTED. AND THEN YOUR JUST GONNA DATE HIM BEHIND MY BACK. I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER HURT ME? THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE SHAWN? obv. you did though..but that's okay. i don't care anymore. have fun with him, i'm done being your friend" and shira replied back rudely to, and we had a nasty argument that I rather not bring up..it hurts to much. so Shawn brought up this lame excuse about how he thought we were apart. sense we hardly talked. but I didn't believe him. and we didn't talk for a loonng time.
Then, Jay told me that Shira and Shawn broke up. and he said that all shawn talked about was me. and even though I was mad as f*ck. I still loved shawn. and I couldn't help but take him back after a while. again, me and Shawn dated. but him and Shira were still friends, so I told him not to talk to her anymore. and he finally listened to me. so me and him were happy for a bit, had a nice steady relationship without anymore disruptions. I was happy. I finally thought this time, no one could pull us apart. we stayed together until the year 2011.
The year 2011 my life had become so busy with school and stuff. I was 16, and I had a lot of drama issues in life. I hardly found time to get on, and each day me and Shawn talked less. I missed him so much, and I really meant to get on. but I just became caught up in so many things, I had no time to get on. for one week I hadn't been on. then I messaged shawn telling him why I wasn't on for so long, and he said he understood. so then I came on for two days straight. then I got busy again, I wasn't on for 2 weeks. I came on, messaged shawn, he said "I thought you forgot about me, lol" and I was like, "I could never forget about you. I'm just really busy. look, I understand if you don't wanna wait for me anymore....if you wanna break up..I understand" even though I didn't want to. and I knew it would hurt after all these years of dating him, after all we been through. I couldn't even think about us apart before I started crying. but to my surprised shawn didn't want to break up. so I was like, "are you sure?" and he was like, "Yeah, it's okay i'll just talk to you whenever you're on" and I was grateful shawn could wait. so again, I wasn't on for 3 weeks or more. and I came on again after a bit, and I asked again, 'Are you sure you don't wanna break up?" because i felt so bad..and I thought I was holding him back or something. but he was like, "Look, I already told you what I think. do you wanna break up or something?" and I was like, "No..no..I don't I just thought you wanted to because we never talk.." and Shawn was like, "Well I don't and I already told you I was fine with it". so then I left it alone after that, and I didn't ask. and again I wasn't on much. but I was on more than I was the other times. so I talked to him once in a blue moon. but then...something deep down told me this wouldn't last much longer. I knew our relationship was over.....and I felt the pain coming back. I curled up in my bed that night, letting the tears fall down my cheeks. I knew what I had to do. I logged on the nest day after school, and I sent shawn a message saying. "Shawn, I think it'd be best if we don't date anymore. I never talk to you anymore. and it just doesn't feel the same.....we can try to be friends though" I didn't want to be friends. In fact I felt like, if we can't be together. why be friends at all. but it was better then not having him at all. so he sent a message and was like ":S okay..." and so then yeah, we didn't talk for like 1 day, and then he sent me a normal message like, how are you and stuff, and I replied back like good..and then the next day I came on, I saw on his status. "Clearing friends list, if you see this post your lucky" I reloaded and I no longer saw his post. So that's how I know...Shawn had deleted me. I sat starring at the screen for hour. crying so hard, harder than I ever cried before. knowing that Shawn didn't even wanna be my friend, made me hurt..so I was kind of mad, and sad at the same time and I sent him a message saying, "So we can't even be friends anymore? after all this time! after all the years we've been together...fine, ******** it, I don't care anymore, it's whatever" and so then I logged off, next day I signed on, he wrote back saying, "Sorry, didn't mean to piss you off sorry. I just didn't feel right not being with you, and It wouldn't feel the same being friends if I can't be with you". and so then I never replied. I just let it go, that day I was so sad. I thought about all the years I wasted on Shawn. all the tings we've been through. now I know this was just a waste of my time. I was and idiot, retarded, stupid, and ******** dumb! how could I think an online relationship would last forever? ever sense that day people, I have not talked, thought, or even asked about Shawn. I think it's better to forget all the memories, all the fun times, about..........................him. It hurts every time I think about him. that's how I know that we had true love. but like I always say, it never last for long. I hope Shawn has an amazing life with whoever. I will always love him, no matter how much I wanna deny it. he's a part of my heart now. I part that's slowly trying to recover from being use to him being able to him everyday. a part that will take years to heal. I will never forget the four years me and Shawn spent together. I don't regret any of them. Shawn is an amazing guy. I guess he just wasn't the guy for me.
update ;; I am now friends with Shira again, we have came across our past, and have moved forward to the futute. I know she and shawn cheated behind my back. but there is no use in trying to hate someone for life. when your no longer with that person anymore. like lily told me, forgive....and forget. so that is what I intend to do. though, I will never forgive may. nor will I forget the b*tch. my friend Jay, has told me Shawn has continued talking to her again. I'm happy for Shawn and May. hopefully they can go out now that I'm out of both of there lives. I'm glad I have no more drama. I'm glad I can live life. and probably try to make up from all the time i've wasted on Shawn. I will live life to it's fullest. explore more, and get off the internet for a bit. all it causes is heart ache, and addiction. believe it or not, I was addicted to this site. but now I have grown apart froom it. I am hardly on, maybe it's because I can't stand being reminded of the guy I loved, or maybe I'm getting to old for it. who knows. all I know, that if I never come back on here ever again. and whoever reads this, future people, and past people. I loved you all. and thank you so much Nicole, and Britt, Lily, Sage, Jay, Alexis, Tooti, Bearie, Kyon, Mia, Emma, and Livy. for being there for me my 4 years of gaia.
My birthday will be on 5.17.11 <3 I will be seventeen. and again, I am to old for this site. who knows if I ever even come back on it? Love you so much alll. and thank you for taking time, of reading...my hard, gaia life.