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On this fine spring break, I did cleaning. Nothing spectacular of course: just a closet, the tops of my desk and dressers, some vacuuming, and a bit of dusting. Did I forget to mention I cleaned out my thoughts too? Something rather eye opening happened and I was enabled a good look at the person I think might be me. It was painful, this event, but I suppose I incited it because I needed to. Somehow, I suppose I knew that I was hurting and what I had been doing to myself was not the greatest thing. I'm still growing and I make mistakes. My wondrous friends, all of you, helped me see that I was doing something awful to myself that I had not seen previously. I pushed forward on your suggestions and was able to make some progress on how I think. I know no one will read this, but I thank each and every person who can put up with me long enough to be my friend. Even the person who I wounded so deeply.
As no one can hear the inside of my head, probably for the better with how cluttered it is, all I can do is use the inefficient and rather ineffectual language that comes in the form of my words. Language is not completely useful in expressing one's self, as I have rediscovered once more. I really need to remember these life lessons that people beat into me; it would do far more good then probably can be calculated. Back to the language, in my blundered words, I might have let loose what I thought and I might not. What I did find though, with all of the drama and the heartbreak, that I am not yet where others are. I thought I was, but kindly people showed me I really did not know what I was doing yet. A great wish I have is to be like the others that are around me and to experience the same things they do; I thought that about this too.
Relationships, as it is, are still a little too incredible and engulfing for me to swim into just now; I think confining myself to the kiddie pool until I can swim might be best. I almost drowned and I did not even know it until people smarter then I saw I was falling and yanked me back up to the surface. People say I am selfless sometimes, but I do have a selfish side, and that's the side that keeps me from getting into pain. Removal is not the best way to deal with things, but at the point I am at, it is the way that I need to take. I won't blame my actions and my thought processes on my parents (although the psychologist in me sees that their influence has impacted me probably beyond repair), but I do blame myself for hurting another. I lack a full grasp on the pieces that are others emotions. I want to go into a profession that requires me to understand, and I do understand at times. I understand other people when I am not tangled in the middle of a web of emotions.
My understanding that others have praised is nothing when it comes with something do to with myself and I see that; hence when I say I want to avoid more of this, people can understand. I deal with other people's drama and I enjoy helping them; that's all I want to do. The person I hurt though, is someone I cannot help because I have blocked myself from that with my actions. Actions I really cannot understand at this time, or perhaps ever. I was in pain, but I should have tried harder not to hurt this person; I failed in finding a way and I ran. I am the way I am because I suppose I have a great many defenses up, but one way or another, this incident has proved that I should avoid anything that can lead to this situation. I don't mind being hurt, but hurting someone else is intolerable. Not all of the apologies in the world can help, but I am going to go back to helping those I love and having cleaned out my ideas, no one else will get hurt again.
 DarkRybrin · Wed Mar 29, 2006 @ 04:29am · 0 Comments |
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