I woke up to a heartache. And I do mean a chest pain, I'm not being poetic. Stressing out much? Perhaps a premonition? ******** no. Oh no something bad is going to happen and I knew it... could it be because something bad happens no matter what and it's just a matter of time?
On the serious note, conditions of life are not improving. Things get worse and they don't get better enough for the bad to be justified. I hate repeating this because it's ill, but I would not mind mind getting shot in the head, unless it was free coffee Tuesday. Matter fact make it Friday too, payday. I digress.
It's almost been almost quarter of a century and I have still not developed friendmaking skills. I'm too old to learn now, that seems obvious. Plus no family and no future equals I don't feel like trying. I surrender. I am putting my hands up. I lost the game. I'll do better in the next time we play this game.
There have been complaints that I'm miserable, my writing being the evidence. Ummm... well yes and no. I am in fact more prone to being melancholy, whatever it's justified is another discussion (I think it's justified), but think about this, why would I write when all is well. "I am really happy right now. All is butterflies and sunshine.", that does not happen. I don't think that "I'm happy right now, let me write it down to show to others that I am capable of being so." I'm too busy enjoying myself when I'm happy to write.
Also, because I know they're eyes on this I filter myself. I don't say things like I want to die because my love interest is a conniving psycho slut who cares so much about herself that she is not willing to compromise at the cost of happiness to others. Is that a virtues, does it matter, and should I care? ...I don't know. I'm asking. I want to be heard. I like it a lot when someone I care for reads this, but at the same time I am afraid you won't like what I have to say or that you will hold it against me. Always wanted some input on my thought process, to point out where I make mistakes. Like look over here, you go from A to B and it's wrong because, then you explain.
I want things... things money can't truly buy. I want happiness just like you. Everyone wants to be happy and that includes me.
I've been wanting to say that I am not your enemy, I am your lover. And I tell you that I love you when we fight to remind you that. I want to make you happy but it gets tiresome at times when I feel like I'm the only one trying and you just care about being mad. Should I go with the "you'll get over it eventually" thinking? That sounds pretty ******** damn inconsiderate, but I might give it a try. I am working against my nature, wrath. Stop being rude, it hurts.
 niatsu · Mon Jan 09, 2012 @ 11:49am · 1 Comments |
