Warning. The words below are purely emotional. Do not read if you are not interested.
I used to be able to write a poem. It was simple, to express myself by simply just writing one. Even if it was short, I'd calm myself thinking of just the right words to express myself then read it and be satified. That satifying feeling would cheer me up beyond any pain or any other negative emotion.
I used to write these journal entires, hell I did it years ago. If you read my journal, you can see them. The me back then was and is different then the me right now though. I read them and think how someone else wroye it..couldn't possiably be me. But, it is/was. The me back then.....so different to what I am now.
I used to pour my heart out through tears, I'd love to lay there in my bed crying. The sweet salty taste and the feel of each tear sliding down my cheek. How my vision blurred giving reality that dreamy look. The only thing I hate about crying is doing it in front of someone else and basically all the damn snot making you blow your nose constantly. I love sobbing, and how I'd curl up into a ball and after it feels I've bathed my own heart with my tears so I feel refreshed. I still love to cry, of course, yet nowadays...it's missing something.
I used to smile and push away all negativity. Push it all behind me like dirt under the damn rug. I do it sometimes today, like when I'm with friends and I'm upset I just smile and pretend to happy. There are times I pretend to be happy so much my own self believes it but then when none are around my smile would fade and I'd remember how upset I was.
I used to watch just any other anime and be able to go 'Hey this is kewl!' but now I can't do that. I'm picky as hell for anime and when I do want to watch some new ones I get lazy. Bleach, I hate it. Nana, I love it. xxxHolic, love it. Chobits, I never want to watch it. The list goes on really......
I used to know what the hell I want. Sure, there's human desires and I know when to eat or when I want some damn sushi (etc) yet nowadays I don't know who I really am. The me today is different from the one yesterday because of what I faced yesterday. The me a year ago is way different from the me now. I used to know what I wanted to grow up as but now.....now it's just confusing.
I used to know what love is. I used to picture it inn every way. Only now do I truly feel it with the one I'm with. There's no doubt or holding back. We are each other's and there are times it seems to good. Hell, if I read a book about me I'd say 'The main character's bf is going to die soon, you'll see' and that's it lol But...I know I love him. I hate that I've loved before and there's no possibly way I can forget them like every other girl/boy does yet...........yet, I love him and only him.
I used to be able to draw what I want whenever yet nowadays I question every ******** line of the image and when I'm done I'm so tempted to throw it away because I hate it. There are a few times that I'd love them though In truth, I'd never abandon a drawing to the trash really........
I used to say goodbye to anyone and everyone. Now I think it's awkward as hell to ever say goodbye.
Well, I'm done. That's it for right now. Had to type it out at the very least.
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~Roses of Death yet full of Life~