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How to start, how to start? Most of this has been written in part. Well.. the thing is, I have a hard time letting go of someone. Oddly, not the last person who was an object of my affection. I assume because she didn't have time to earn my love.
Anyway, the person in question..
Why am I writing here? In hopes she reads this? A mirror for thoughts would be quite handy right now so I can reflect on myself. That's desperate? If you do read this, I still love you, I dream about you, I get sad when I hear your name. It all feels like yesterday to me, when I last held you. I want to be with you, but I keep telling myself I wouldn't let myself. The truth is, you don't want to be with me so it's not an option. I believe you to be happy. I could be wearing three layers and a fur coat and I still would feel vulnerable and exposed. I could hear you now in my head, let go, it's been months. Ha that's me saying that. Don't try to contact me if you read this. These are my private thoughts and if you read it, it's on you.
So what do I need to do. I can't continue to be preoccupied with thoughts of a little Ginger. It's a waste of my time (I could turn those thoughts into content and it would not be a waste of time, but that's not the point). I am not sad, so that's positive. Love I have, to be as harsh as possible, is towards a made up person that is nothing like the real person. Made up, in my head. The real person does not love me and that should be enough to not love them.. that seems like false conditional love/feeling.. if they do, I do; if they don't, I don't. But what if they don't, but I do.. well it's tragic.. it's gay. That thought will not help me get past this mental hurdle. I only assume how others feel, therefore I never truly know how others feel. I can only be sure of how I feel. Look at this tangent. So.. I still didn't answer my question, what will I do. The obvious answer seems to be go and get a new girlfriend. While I would enjoy having a new one, and I do miss sex, I don't want to. It's too much work, getting out there and finding someone decent. Too much resources that I would have direct to building a career. In the end that's what it's about, me getting some of my resources back, to gain focus and loose what is no longer necessary.
Let's make it a font that's hard to read bwahahah XD ooo make it white too. This good to write. Better than telling someone who would mismanage such information, or worse, not listen at all. Boom time to blow up like the World Trade! In Australia that means I should be sleeping. Haha I crack myself up, I apologize if you don't find me as hilarious as I find myself. Suck for you bro. I will pee in your cereal. Did you make a disgusted face when you read that last sentence or did you read it slow with upward inflection on the last word as if it were a sentence. If anything I'd like to know that, or what other way is to react to that. Agent Tangent out!
 niatsu · Sun Aug 19, 2012 @ 05:16am · 0 Comments |
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