Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

After all that's happened. All the therapy. All the medications. The advice. The searching. I am still vulnerable. To everything. I still hurt when someone cries "foul!" I hurt when people yell at me, and don't speak to them. It's as Danny said. Everything I didn't want, is coming to pass. I am... afraid, actually. Of the changes, of the door to the outside world coming closer and closer, and I know I'm unable to handle it after all this. How long must I learn? how long until my innocent side catches up to the sadistic monster, and everything evens out? It's not fair to me..... being so sensitive and moody, with all that goes on in the world. I freeze when I am scared or angry. I played around with the thought of not talking to them, and thought it would be all right as usual. I'd get on with my life, and heal. It was not so. When I got my wish, to shut up, and make them hurt. Make them feel the pain. I froze. I froze..... So cold.... So cold. It makes me feel.... so helpless..... I know I shouldn't be doing this, but this is how I feel, and I need it out of me, before it corrupts me further. Hmmmm.... maybe the point is to accept that it is there. That there is nothing I can do about it. I am growing. I should expect change. But maybe it's because I change all the time, but like how I am now? I must confess..... I fear the way I am changing..... it may hurt my current relationship.... I can't hurt her.... not for the world..... But it's as though I have two minds.....