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I want to be pretty and skinny and nice and smart and successful and not in the current state I am right now because I don't like feeling like this. I don't like having these negative thoughts constantly run through my head but I can't remember a time where there was pure positivity. I don't want help from a professional because they will not help. I just need one of my friends to talk to me without saying "I'm sorry" or trying to make me feel better somehow by saying how shitty their life is. I want someone that won't try to cheer me up, just someone that will listen, process, and respond with actual solutions. Someone that won't let me go off into tangents when I say I don't wanna talk about it. I do. I just wanna talk to [him] and see if he ever did like me, even as a friend. I want to know if I'm just a nuisance in everyone's life. I want to feel like I belong in the places I feel most safe. I need someone to care. I try to tell them things and they know I'm sad, but it's just brushed off as days go by, me wilting. It is no exaggeration when I say I cry every night. There are so many passageways for me to think through to cry about. It's not possible to avoid every single one of them when I lay alone with my own thoughts at night. I want to feel like the world isn't a ******** up place for once, knowing it's "as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be. World without end. Amen, amen."