April 19th, 2018
Wednesday night is our gaming night, where my boyfriend and myself join our mutual friends in a long running game of D&D. Our friend and I were chatting through Mumble and I couldn't keep my pulse steady. It felt like my heart was trying to burst out of my chest. And of course, in the moment, it feels wonderful just talking to him. It's so easy to do! But then my boyfriend logs in and suddenly I'm overwhelmed with this feeling of guilt. I know that emotionally I've checked out but I haven't broken things off with him. I feel like it's still too soon after his brother's diagnosis.
I feel horrible because I know I'm just stringing him along now but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to be heartless and leave him right after he finds out his brother is dying and I want so badly to talk to our friend but I don't want to distract him from his studies. The Bar is no laughing matter and he's been studying so hard but every time we talk it just gets harder. I don't know how I'm going to make it through to July 26th.
And then of course I'll be forced to confront my other fear: That there won't be anything there for him. Or (and I don't know if this is worse or not) he won't be willing to try because he's friends with my now boyfriend. I feel so strongly that this could be something and again I'm letting my fear rule me (not without reason but the past is the past), I'm just so scared of royally messing everything up but... I think he's worth it. Scared as I am, I really do think he's worth it.
I'm absolutely crazy aren't I?
Girl_in_love61636 Community Member 
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