Where do I begin? Yesterday was so nice. But today is bad again. It is cold and rainy and Pooky still has pain in his mouth. He acts as if he is dying. They told him that it would take about a couple of weeks in order for his mouth to heal but he thinks another tooth is causing the pain and he worries that they will have to pull that one too. He says if they do that then no one will want to hire him even though both spots are in the back of his mouth and are hardly noticeable. It must be nice to worry that much about your teeth. If I did that then I would have anxiety attacks everyday because of my teeth. That is how bad my teeth are. My teeth are yellow and brown, they rot with about 4-5 holes in them. I still have my wisdom teeth. I consider Pooky to be very lucky, his teeth are a beautiful white, he has had his wisdom teeth removed, and even though some of his back teeth are bad and are causing him pain, his teeth are no where near as bad as mine. Because of this, I feel he should not be complaining as much. It makes me feel horrible about my teeth. If he can't get a job just because he is missing two back teeth, then what chance do I ever have of finding a job??
I am hungry. I was waiting for Pooky to finish a meeting in his office before I went into the kitchen to get some food but then The Dad came home and Pooky became depressed about his teeth and now I am hiding in Pooky's office typing this. Am I in a toxic relationship? Is that what this is? No. I just think I am in a relationship with someone who struggles with depression and anxiety and it is taking a toll on me. I used to be a different person before I met Pooky. I loved going to social events, I did not struggle with waking up and getting stuff done, I was strong and hard working. It takes so much out of me to try to make Pooky happy. Everyday it seems like he gets upset about something new. He is always sad and it hurts me to see him like this. He has no medical insurance so there is no way he could get medical help. I need to get him to apply for some but with his mouth hurting as much as he says it does there is no way to get that done anytime soon. He just won't do it unless the conditions are perfect.
Sometimes his depression makes me want to leave him. I am the only one who knows how he is feeling. The Dad does not understand depression, he has the emotions of a broom. If I left Pooky, he would have no one and that would make things seriously worse. What else would he have left to lose? As much as I think about it though, I could not leave Pooky. I mean, how better off would I be? I love him. Leaving him means that I lose my best friend. I won't give up on him. I might step away for a couple of days (maybe go home to visit the fur babies) if things get hard enough for me, but I will not give up! I want to be the one person who he can depend on. Maybe if I become emotionally stronger.... I know finishing school will help a lot with that! If I can get a good paying job, I might be able to get some insurance for Pooky so he can get the medical attention he needs.
First things first, I need to wake up at a proper time so that I can go and turn in my resume! My sleep schedule is still messed up! I need to bite the bullet and force myself awake! Right now it is almost 7pm. I woke up at 3pm. I went to bed around 10am. Maybe around 3am I will try to force myself to get some rest so I can wake up decently. I shall set my alarms!
Next, I shall have to complete my homework! If I get it all done, I might be able to work ahead which will give me a time advantage for tests. I could have more time to prepare and study for the tests! That would be beneficial. I think I shall get started on that! I was almost finished with one of my assignments last night so I will finish that and start on a new one! Today is Tuesday and all homeworks are due on Sundays.
Also, I have been brushing my teeth at least once a day now. It is not perfect but it is a start! If it wasn't so rainy and cold outside then I would go out and get some exercise. Perhaps once The Dad goes to bed and I have made sufficient progress with my homework, I might look up some workout dance videos on YouTube.
· Wed Feb 05, 2020 @ 12:03am · 0 Comments