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I just need to vent. I am not really looking for any real answers, just someone who will listen. It feels like no one wants to listen anymore. Plus, everyone I know is dealing with their own stuff and I do not wish to trouble them with my own problem
It is now 10:30pm and I have just now gotten out of bed... I went to bed at 3am. Honestly I woke up at 11am when Pooky said he was going over to his mom's house. I did not want to go because he spends all day there (he still hasn't returned). I am starving.... I have not eaten anything all day. I am in Pooky's office typing this and luckily I still have that cotton candy in here so I will munch on that until Pooky gets home. I do not want to go out to the kitchen because The Dad is out there. I still feel awkward around him.

Tomorrow all of my homework is due. I have not gotten any of it done... including the paper. I should have gotten up when Pooky left but I had no energy.... I will try to work through tonight to get it done. Tomorrow is the bridal expo I kinda wanted to go to. I will be going by myself because everyone I know will be working. Because I am awkward, I feel better if I have someone with me at big conventions and what not. Part of it is just because I am nervous. I do not want to be a bride and be put on a pedestal, I just want to get married. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to be married either.

Pooky and I had a talk last night. He said that he is thinking about going back to school to pursue a degree in electronics. He told me that he wants a job that will provide enough so that we can live comfortable in the future and the degree will help with that. I think that is a wonderful idea but it changes things. Beforehand, we were planning on him getting a job as English teacher in Japan so we could finally go back after years and years. We were planning on staying in Japan with this job for maybe a year or two. Pooky said that even if we did do that, what kind of job would we get when we come back? He made a good point. I said to him that I wouldn't mind his plan as long as he is sure that a new degree in this field is something he wants to do. He said he would think on it some more. His idea is a good one but I do not like change. I had been planning on moving to Japan (after we get married) for a few months now.

Honestly moving back to Japan was part of the reason we got engaged. It would be easier for me to travel with him if we were married. Maybe if he goes with this new degree we wouldn't have to get married so soon and we could save more money towards the wedding. I also brought the possibility of us maybe having our honeymoon in Japan. We would have to save the money up though but it is doable. It makes me happy that he wants a better career but I still do not like change. It will a little bit before I get used to it.

On another note.... I have not had the "physical" relations with Pooky yet. We have been together for over 3 years now ( it will be 4 years in April). We both have the urges but neither of us want kids. He is terrified of having kids to the point that he does not trust condoms or birth control. I think it is ridiculous but I will not force him to do anything. "Relations" are not the reason why I am with him. I can not help but feel physically neglected though. I respect Pooky so I will not cheat on him or force him to do things he does not want to do. With that being said, I believe that even once we get married he will still not touch me like that. He said that he will not get a vasectomy because he might want to have kids in the future, he might change his mind on the stance and he wants to keep that option open. I do not want kids and I will never want kids, my opinion on the matter will not change so I do not know who he is going to have kids with if he does change his mind. I wish I could just have my ovaries removed or something. It would save me a lot of pain every month and I wouldn't have to worry about having kids. No doctor will do this though.

I wish Pooky would come home. I am hungry. Right now I would love a bowl of Mario shaped Spaghetti O's and a cup of milk.

Ikanna Omega
Community Member
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