|
|
|
I've been thinking a lot about confidence lately and my lack thereof.
There are times where I don't feel like I necessarily lack courage or confidence...it's just been pushed and buried deep inside...and it needs to be rescued.
Anyway, Memorial Day was dry this year. I just grilled hot dogs, hamburgers, and corn on the grill. Mom made the ribs and chicken in the foodie grill. And that's about it. I think last year for Memorial Day I depressed in the house...or maybe did brunch. Idk. Remember this time last year I was still in my Landover apartment.
I'm in ATL right now. Before I left, Marlon and I finally had a discussion about this whole Travis situation. Main points are below:
- According to Marlon, the Travis situation isn't as "deep" as it's perceived. We see Marlon spending a ton of time with Travis. We know they have an intimate relationship. But apparently, they haven't had sex in a month or two (?). - Apparently, Travis has a host of mental health issues including sex addiction, PTSD, manic depression, and possibly a suicide attempt(?). - Marlon and Travis are actively fighting against wanting to be together although they both see a future within each other. Not sure how that's working out since they spend so much time together. - Marlon's still "on the fence" regarding Kabob but wants to ensure that he has his s**t together before moving out. - I also kinda got the feeling that he may feel a bit...let down...by me as a friend from small statements he said but then tried to clean up.
Our conversation ended when James arrived, the last question I asked was basically, "What exactly would Kabob have to do to make you want to stay in this relationship?" before James entered.
Honestly, the answer to that is nothing. Marlon already told us that he likes his guys tall and muscular now soooo...... sweatdrop But I'd rather him be honest with himself, and us, about it. I know now from experience when someone says, "I don't know" when asked whether or not they want to be with someone...especially after many years...that answer is usually a no. And honestly, I feel bad for Kavon.... Especially, since that was me last year.
I'm okay with Marlon wanting to get himself together before moving out, but I feel uneasy about the whole Travis situation going on concurrently. I'd rather him focus 100% on getting his life together and moving out ASAP instead of diverting energy and attention to someone else. And to be honest, I'm concerned. Like I thought, Travis is a nutcase and I just don't want Marlon to get too wrapped up in all of that. It's too much.
Now, back to me.
I guess even initiating that conversation with Marlon showed a bit of confidence or courage. I just need to apply this to my goals and professional endeavors.
I might (hard might) get this job with SourceAmerica, so I really should be thinking about next steps. Obviously, working hard at and for the company to secure that job for a while, but what else. Am I saving to purchase property? Am I coming up with a financial plan to do so? Am I going to pursue ITIL? Do I want to continue forward with the digital marketing? Like...what's the plan?
And not only what the plan is, but have the courage and confidence to see it through.
I admit, I've been inspired recently by media like Michelle Obama's Becoming documentary, The Banker, Self-Made: The story of Madame CJ Walker, and other things showing Black people really believe in themselves to hustle and have enough courage to pursue their goals.
s**t, Michelle said marriage counseling taught her that it's not her husband's job to make her happy. If he can get up every morning and go to the gym, well damn, you should be able to as well and it's up to you to voice your desires and you as a couple to work it out so that you can achieve those goals. Also, she realized that as Barack's political star quickly began to rise, she needed to do something with her own career to give it life, meaning, and purpose for her. That really resonated with me because Rob and now Cortez have their own little passion projects that they're working on...and I need to do the same so that I, too, feel fulfilled outside of work and proud of something that EYE did.
So...it's a lot. I should start curbing the type of media I consume to focus more on inspirational media to make me feel like I can actually do s**t. sweatdrop
More to come on this...
1PM - I just remembered why I wanted to write this post lol I was supposed to touch on social media and body image issues lol More to come on THAT.
One Love heart
Ryo
Mood: Hopeful 3nodding Music: "1000 Doves" - Lady Gaga from Chromatica
Ryonosuke · Wed May 27, 2020 @ 03:50pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|