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Having some flashbacks after a message and video I received recently attached to a gift. They're of my first girlfriend and all the time I invested just being her friend at first. I remember how we met, her just asking me if I wanted to join her and a group of other high school age guys and girls on a trip to a college for some summer program. What the program was and what I did that summer I might go over in a different journal later on, but long story short I had a lot of fun with that girl. One thing I have in real life but felt cheated on was a sister. I have a sister, but she is a really mean person and never treated me like a brother. What I got from that girl was a sister, someone I could talk to and express my feelings to as if I were sharing my thoughts with a sibling. At first, that's all we were, amazing friends with a kinda brother and sister relationship, and I didn't mind at all. I wasn't really pursuing a romantic relationship with her at first.

But then it happened, as all relationships should start. We were having a Lord of the Rings movie night and she fell asleep in my chest. I don't know why, but my heart just started kicking non-stop, and we were on the third movie. I couldn't move because I was... Confused. I had never had a girlfriend before, nor asked anyone out at the time. I have had girls ask for my number before, but I've kept to myself for the most part unless I considered them a friend. This was the first time I had feelings for a girl that broke past a friendship. It was nice and serene, although I truly felt butterflies. I won't go through too many details of what transpired the rest of the night, but nothing inappropriate happened as I respected her and myself too much to do anything beyond hold her in my arms.

Long story short, I found that the butterflies were fleeting, and although she and I shared the night in simple bliss watching Lord of the Rings of all things, a nerd's dream, it wasn't meant to last. I spoke with her dad that week asking for his permission to court his daughter, yes, I said court. I've been told I have an old soul, and I suppose that I do. I'm not modern, I'm not a cookie cut person like everyone else, I won't fall for what the world wants me to do. I do things my own way. Her dad had a list of guys who have asked him if they could have a relationship with his daughter (true story), and I was the first one he said yes to, probably my charming personality (or not). She and I always hit it off well, but at the time I was immature and didn't know what I wanted out of a relationship. I let her take the lead, but after a while I realized I wasn't ready and that the feelings I had for her were not feelings of actual love, but of lust and butterflies that stirred within me in the heat of the moment. She was beautiful, but I wanted to love someone for more than just beauty. She didn't turn out to be such a beautiful person on the inside, but rather manipulative towards my new emotions, so one day I was the one to tell her I just wanted to be friends, like the way it used to be. I just wanted to be like her brother again.

It's been years since then and I'm still good friends with her family, just not so much with her. There were some incidents in her life that were questionable, and I'm actually glad that I'm not with her anymore, but I do think of her every once in a while because she taught me a lot about myself, not directly, but rather indirectly. Those feelings I experienced I plan to set aside until I meet someone who really deserves my all. I don't want to cheat on my future wife with a someone who I plan to enjoy spending time with for only a short while, and I encourage whoever is reading this to do the same. Don't settle for a relationship with someone that you know will not last, but rather seek out something that will stand the test of time. Don't cheat on your future partner with someone who isn't right for you today.