The past 3.5 years has been arguably the most crazy years of my life so far. Moved out of Florida for future prospects of a happy home & family. I also found the love of my life before I had departed from Florida.
My brother just had a kid & wanted a home for her and his wife. So our Mom & stepfather put down a hefty down-payment on a house for us in North Dakota. We had always talked about owning a house up in North Dakota next to our relatives + it's fairly cheap. So it was all a dream coming together! Unfortunately the day after our parents put down money on the house my brother & his wife got into a big fight which ended up in a child custody battle... She ended up getting the kid & running out of the state. All of that left a sour taste in my mouth. And I couldn't even really imagine what my brother was going through either.
So the house was still given to my brother, cousin, and I. During this time I had some good times and bad times with my girlfriend with our long distance relationship. About halfway through the year my brother left to go chase after his children. And my cousin had moved out. I had given my dog away because he wouldn't be allowed to move with me. Eventually I was in the home alone. It was nice being there alone. But also pretty lonely. My relationship with my girlfriend got pretty bumpy, I lost my reigns and got pretty suicidal. Lost my job too. I accused her of things I shouldn't have and she ended our relationship. Which sent me down a deeper hole of despair. Deepest I've ever been. Things got real bad and my mother dropped on down from Florida and went with me to the psychiatrist and we all talked about how I was doing. I was really angry, upset, and very depressed. I ended up taking some medications which somewhat helped me disconnect from reality. It was about a month til I hopped off the meds, I didn't feel very good on them.
After some time and healing my ex came back and we re-kindled and apologized to one another and moved forward. I didn't think she'd come back but she did. After some time we communicated better but still had our ups and downs but we handled it. Eventually I moved out of the house so my parents could rent the place off to a bigger family. I loved the new place I was in. It was a white mansion that was compartmentalized for multiple people to live in. My favorite part about it was the bear claw bath tub & big windows, natural gas stove, and whiteness of the place made it pretty bright. It was really a cozy place. During my stay there my relationship went under again and we broke up when I was supposed to visit her. I had more suicidal thoughts and self hurt behaviors but I didn't pull anything too big like I did before. But I said many mean things to her that I regret saying.
I was pretty sure it was all done. But again after some time we got back together again & things actually started to sail smoothly again between me and her. I never minded hopping back into things as long as communication was there for how we felt and could better our teamwork and companionship. After a year or so of living in that mansion I had some family here that needed a place to stay because there living situation wasn't working out anymore. So I tossed the idea of them going back to the house we still had on sale and I'd move in with them to help float the rent. And well after some time and thinking we all moved in together. Except this time around I was in the basement which didn't make me too happy.
During this time me and my girlfriend had some pretty small fights but we talked it all out and it was okay. We eventually planned our first visit and I got a Visa and flew down to see her. I never felt so enlightened in my entire life to see someone. We dated for a year or so on and off. And now we finally got to see each other. Croatia was really beautiful entering. There was lots of greenery and trees. I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time. When I finally got there I had ubered over to where I was staying and awaited for her. I saw her shadow rounding the corner and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. But as she came around we hugged and I helped her take the stuff she brought in. She had brought flowers and food. She was really sweet. We got accumulated to each other fairly quickly. The first day was a little weird though, I felt like I had asthma. It was really hard to breathe at some points due to all of the excitement.
I spent a month in Croatia and we ventured all around and it felt like I was in heaven. It's hard to write about this. Because when I think about it. My mind really places me right back where I was with her. I honestly wish that's how life always was. Hopping on the bus with your lover you traveled so far for. Picking up groceries together. Cooking together. Sleeping together, and waking up to see that face right next to you 'n' heading out into town for a stroll. Being in a long distance relationship really gives you a deep appreciation for the time you spend with the one you love.
I was so sad to leave back to America. But I knew I would see her again in person.
Upon returning home I returned back to my daily job of taking care of the elderly in a nursing home type setting which was the place that earned my the money to visit her in the first place. Around this period of time I bought some furniture for my room which I'm still paying off ironically. I should've held off on purchasing this stuff! Aaah... I won't be buying furniture like this ever again for a long while. But hell this room looks really nice & cozy! But moving on.. Months gone by and work has been quite like purgatory. Just boring and monotonous. But I would just message my girl and keep myself occupied the best I could. Sometimes I would be too fired up to even be at work lol. Having a ldr can really get your libido going when your not next to your partner to calm you down lol
After some time and some ups and downs in the relationship which were quickly resolved Christmas came. I helped my girl get a ticket and she came down for christmas for our 2nd visit! Again it felt like I was in heaven when she was around. But I was fairly upset that North Dakota isn't as interesting as Croatia and felt our activities were rather limited here in the winter. But we still had lots of fun just being together in a cozy room. She got to meet a big sum of my family, and she got to pet some cats whilst she was here. She loves caaats.
Time went by and Christmas was over. I was really sad and depressed seeing her go and it was harder than the 1st time for some reason. Little did I know that's the last time I would see her in person.
Back to the daily grind'o with the nursing home!
I didn't mind working at the nursing home too much. It was just soo boring for me and didn't allow me to get any energy out really. Which put a strain on my relationship sometimes if I'm being honest. After some months went by Covid-19 hit. Government is up to no good! They started requiring everyone to wear mask at my job and I wasn't about that life. So that prompted me to leave the nursing home and find something else. Fortunately my uncle needed help at his cooking job so I decided I'd pitch in!
Before I got the job I started having problems with my girlfriend as I was trying to change my ways for her. But I became impatient and crumbled and reverted back to my old ways. She didn't like that at all. And before I realized my mistake it was all over. I tried getting back and apologizing but she seemed very short of a fuse more than usual. Weelll the past month or so she just seemed easily agitated with Covid and my ramblings about the world going to s**t. She as well seemed to be reverting back to her old ways of getting upset easily. Neither of us had our s**t together and didn't know how to start a conversation without getting into a fight.
So yeah... I went on to the new job my uncle had got me, and I wasn't very enthusiastic about it anymore. I was sad and depressed. But when I got into the flow of work it was pretty nice and it took my mind off the broken relationship. Eventually my brother and his girlfriend moved into the house and he started working along side me sometimes at the job with my uncle. It has been nice having my brother around. It has been getting dark with just me alone in the basement. Moving forward~ Months have passed and I tried reaching out to my ex-girlfriend and failed miserably. Seems she was truly moving on. Which made me even more angry and upset. I said more mean things to her before she completely shut me out.
As this was going on my relationship with my uncle was getting bad as he was becoming more of an a*****e boss rather than a family guy type of boss. He didn't respect the amount of work I was taking up for him so that he may spend more time with his wife. I was eventually crumbling under all of the stress. I got suicidal all over again. Sooner or later I reached out to my mother to ask if I could return to Florida with her.
She said yeah and that she'd be taking up a new home as well. I was suddenly hopeful! The whole reason I wanted to go back is because me and my mother get along really well. And we're both pretty clean. When I'm living along side my brother he can be quite the slob and not clean up after himself. Add that to my uncle being an butt head. Not that I don't love them. But when you combine the two forces it's something I really don't want to live with. My best buddy Michael has been wanting me to return to Florida for years now. We've been keeping up with each other through video games and all that. And he's been wanting me to get my GED. I feel like I'll have a lot of moral support by returning to Florida. And I won't be as depressed as I am now. My mother and stepfather like going out for bike rides and are quite active so they're great buddies for me. And I'll be getting to some night schools whilst I'm there on a part time job. I'll get to spend time with my best bud and hopefully forge a new path for me.
I've felt pretty broken the past 3-4 months. And it's time to turn the page. Right now I'm packing things up and am about to fly out!
There's so many more details I should write about sometime in addition to this.
But during all of this time ever since departing from Florida I have encountered a great love. I've been through a lot of pain. I've been able to try many different jobs and see what it's like to be on the base level of society. I've met good people and friends that I'll keep in contact with. It's been good for me to get out there and try different things. Now I know what I need to do. It's unfortunate that I thought my relationship would be going further. It got so far, and things were finally being addressed, but things went wrong before they became right. And for some reason the ship was abandoned even though it's been through much more thunderous storms and things were becoming less hectic but ever since Covid things just got sour slowly and patience has run thin with some people. But my heart never died, and it never will. It's truly unfortunate. But I'm really fortunate to have had that experience. And I'm fortunate for all of the understanding friends I have got and people that just simply care about me and don't try to sway me from what I want.
I believe the whole experience I have had will either call for a do-over per usual with the one I love. That is if she comes through and realizes what she's leaving behind and knows that from my heart I never meant to do harm and that we both can be quite the firebirds; or she doesn't & the experience I was provided will help me find someone else who understands what I'm after. Someone who knows that I've been hurt due to feeling soul bound to one person. Hopefully someone will understand what I had experienced was extremely precious and find something redeeming in me for my loyalty and warmth. And maybe they'll understand my frustrations, wants, and needs. Maybe just maybe someone will be able to pry my fingers from the one I hold feelings for. It will all be a matter of time from this point on.
But from here on. I'm the one who will be #1 from now on.
It's time to get Tevin in the right place where his heart feels free, happy, and at peace. Achieve my GED and start going places and get paid the best I've ever been paid.
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