Yesterday (Saturday) was soul crushing.
That might've been a little dramatic but I don't know how else to describe how low I felt. Read more below:
Long story short, I typically run to Philly every month or so to pick up my medicine. Lately, it's been every two months, alternating with me asking Rob to meet me halfway. He typically obliges and I meet him somewhere North of Baltimore.
The last few times I've gone to Philly, we've shared some really nice, kind of moments. We'd go out to dinner, maybe run a few errands and kinda just enjoy the day and each other's company before I head home.
I texted him on Thursday saying that I wanted to come spend time with him and Sabir, wanting to see if he was free and would be home this weekend. He said he'd be home on Saturday by 3 or 4pm. On Saturday around noon, I called him while I was on my way up reconfirming our plans. He reconfirmed, saying he'd be home around 4 or 5pm.
I got up to Holmesburg just before 1pm and obviously had some time to kill...so I reached out to a few friends...they were busy, which is fair since I hit them last minute, so I decided to look into early in-person voting. I was registered to vote in Philadelphia and since I was in Philadelphia and early voting is a huge thing with this election, I figured that I could look into it. Low and behold, there was literally an election office set up at a school just a few blocks away from the Pharmacy (that was open!) so I cast an in-person mail-in ballot there (the ballot I requested online never came).
Afterward, I went on a hunt for Pizza Hut because I was craving a personal pan pizza. I found one off the boulevard and indulged, then I decided to head towards Rob's. At around 3:20pm, I called him....no response.
I parked at 29th and Poplar and sat in my car for a bit....waiting. That continues to be a common thread in our relationship, a theme of which I can't seem to escape...me waiting for him. Always waiting. I didn't want to call or text again because I didn't want to bother or harass him...especially since I called at 3:20pm to no response but eventually I got tired of waiting so I sent a text at around 4:20pm asking if he was on his way home yet. I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood...25 minutes later he texts back "No, give me a sec."
After my walk around the neighborhood (and using the bathroom down by Lloyd Hall on Kelly Drive) my feelings of uneasiness and slight paranoia, a feeling that felt all too familiar with him, took over and I decided to ride past his house. I parked on the block...notice the green truck and the mercedes, but again, I'm unsure as to what he's driving these days because last time I was up in Philly...he had a huge black truck he was borrowing. I call him again...it was 5:39pm...no answer. Not too long afterward, I see him emerge from his house in work gear. He sees me, gestures towards me to give him a minute, and hops in his car and drives off.
For clarity, at 4:20pm he said that he wasn't on his way home. Around 5:45pm, I discovered that he was already home.
Now...he could very well had gotten home recently. I'm not sure where he's working these days so it could've been close. It's just not adding up that I've been calling/texting all day with little to no response and then you're home all of sudden. Honestly, it took me back to the days when he'd do that to others while laying up in bed with me. So of course, I can only assume that that's what he was doing.
He calls a few minutes later saying that he has to go fix his truck...and that's he's sorry...and asks when I'm going to be up next. I respond, "I don't know"...he says ok and hangs up. A few minutes later, he rolls up the block in his work truck...grabs some tools from the house, puts them in the truck and drives off.
I hang around, parked on the block, for a few more minutes. Gathering my thoughts, keeping my composure, and seeing if someone else (a boy, perhaps?) emerges from the house.
Part of me wanted to knock on the door to see who would answer. Part of me wanted to continue to stake it out in front of the house, but get a better view, to see if I could tell if there was indeed a boy in there. But at the the end of the day, what purpose would that serve? Do I care that much? Much like the Omar trip situation....Yes I'm bothered, yes I would like to know...but do I really care that much? The answer in it's truest sense? No...I don't. I'm trying to get out of the habit of requiring further verification that someone doesn't care that much about me. Especially, when they tell me through their actions.
This has to be the last straw...it just has to be.
We broke up ten months ago...honestly, what he's doing and who he's doing it with is none of my business. It was probably Faheem in the house anyway. And I truly don't care that much. The thing I was most upset about was the fact that he had me waiting for him all day when I could've hit it back home hours ago. That, and the deception that the situation reeks of.
There are a million things he could've done better. 1) he didn't have to ignore my calls/texts 2) he could've invited me to wait for him in the house 3) he could've just said straight-up that something came up and he can't hang out today (instead of ignoring all those texts/calls) 4) when he saw me in the car, he should've came up to me and spoke instead of gesturing towards me and calling me with some dry a** apology a few minutes later after he's been "caught".
So after deciding that I don't care enough to research further into the situation. I left. I remember tweeting "Wtf am I doing? Seriously." as I waited outside the house. Those feelings persisted on my ride home. I felt bad for putting myself through this again. I felt embarrassed. I felt pitiful. It was difficult to feel sadness because I've been through this before. I just felt dumb. And pity...for myself. At this point, it was laughable. It felt like everything that I've been feeling lately rushed through my brain at once. Maybe I should cut it off with Cortes? Maybe Justin was right and I am leading him on? Maybe I do need to just focus on myself and getting these condos to rent out? Subjecting myself and opening up my heart to him again given everything that he put me through over the years...I truly felt like a complete mess in the moment for allowing myself to AGAIN get to the point where I was waiting around all day for him to stand me up and let me down.
I know exactly what it means when he ignores texts and phone calls. He's done it to me before and I've seen him do it to others. But, just like I told him, we've been through way too much to still be going through s**t like this. It's ridiculous. Why would he do something like this to me of all people? It just doesn't make sense. And I'm kinda tired of being on both ends of the disaster.
As I was driving down 95 towards Delaware, he calls me with a more sincere apology and we talk for a while. The apology seemed pretty formulaic, half truths, some lies, denying plausible evidence, s**t not adding up, nice words, bullshit, multiple apologies, empty promises...it felt all too familiar. And I'm sick of it.
To be honest, him actually calling to talk and apologize did lift my mood. But I can't let myself get there again. He's proven himself to be untrustworthy with my heart and emotions so i can't go back there. Now, besides all that, he's actually a good guy. He does show up...most times...when I need him and he's knowledgeable on a lot of things and can provide a different perspective. He's also pretty encouraging and uplifting when you just need a positive take on something you've been dreading so with that being said..."cutting him off" would be dumb. I'll just hit him if I need something...and I guess if he wants to see me....he can ask? Idk. I gotta be back up there in 3 weeks for a doctor's appointment, will I see him? Should I ask? Meh, I don't know yet. I know he won't ask me. cry emo
In other news...
I think my SPBP was cut off. I remember Princess asking me what my salary was and that was the last I've heard about it. If it was cut off, there's really no need to go all the way up to Philly to get my meds...which means an end of an era with Carl and Holmesburg. I'll shoot an email to Michelle and ask.
Rob said I could get the check he gets for Daddy in my name. It would definitely help with my income to debt ratio by increasing my overall income, so I think that's something I should definitely do. I'll keep Philadelphia as my permanent address and call it a day.
Friday...we had Champagne night at Justin's, an event that he hosts every so often for Marlon, Jamie, and I. I don't know what it is but everytime I hang around Marlon et. al. I feel so off kilter...and it takes a day or so to shake it off and refocus on myself. Not sure what it is, but I guess between having to hear about Travis and his splenda daddy that buys him shoes and phones...I be spent and my spirit be shooketh sweatdrop
I think I mentioned it before, but it's worth mentioning again, per my conversation with Bilal...sometimes you're just no longer okay with someone's toxic traits anymore.
I also didn't really like Justin reading me about me situation with Cortes. He was basically yelling at me to break it off if I'm not feeling it like that and that I'm leading him on. Blah Blah Blah...we know who I can't be honest to about my s**t xp
Today...Bryan's supposed to stop by...blah. Part of me thinks there's some kind of ulterior motive here. He came over a few weeks ago to hang out and he texted me out the blue saying he wants to hang again....like...I don't want to feel this way...but something does seem off. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved Bryan and we have be able to connect and hang out from time to time....but not as much as it has been in recent times...More to come later. ninja
That's all I got for now. I gotta get on my s**t, get some work done, and get some money. Pray for me ya'll. sweatdrop
One Love heart
Mood: Meh :/
Vibrations: Pretty low stressed
Music: You Had Your Chance - Mariah Carey from Charmbracelet
Music(2): Wrong Side of a Love Song - Melanie Fiona from The MF Life
Music(3): Disaster - Jojo from Jumping Trains
Music(4): Cry - Mariah Carey from Me...I Am Mariah...The Elusive Chanteuse
· Sun Oct 25, 2020 @ 10:33am · 0 Comments