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******** this all
Everything realistically is fine but my head is getting bad again. I want to relapse in 3 different ways and it's hard not to. 2 out of 3 I can do alone, the last 1 would help the other 2. I'm fairly lonely but refuse to vocalize it to anyone that knows me. I want anyone to love me, I'm sure people do but my dumbass can't tell. I have no real safe place to exist. Anytime I'm authentically me, I get belittled and I take it as why I shouldn't be. I used to feel safe at work but now I'm constantly scared that I'll ******** up, or that everyone hates me, or that I'm a secret joke. I find myself saying, "If I wanted to feel like s**t, I'd be at home" more and more. The few people I get along with don't really like me but are nice for reasons I can't discern. I'm losing my best friend to perceivably what she wants, but her sister and I are worried about her. Plus I can't spend time with her sister or she immediately thinks I want to date her. So I can't spend time with either of them. My one friend that isn't the sisters constantly has terrible ideas, like calling into work sick so I can do acid, or relapsing. My family that wouldn't help me no matter how hard I struggled are now looking to me for help now that they've lost they're jobs due to their own stupidity. I need a break from existing for a bit but I can't put in for a vacation right now. And even if I did, where the ******** would I go for peace?

Edit after TW post: currently yelling to entice my drunk dad to beat me, hopefully to death. Hope your shitty friends know you're an actual piece of s**t. From beating my mom, to beating my brothers, to ******** your cousin's wife, to beating her too, to ignoring your bare minimum duties as a father, to feeding a 15 year old who's parent just died liquor, to taking my social security money for my care and spending it on yourself. I don't say this lightly, kill yourself

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