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******** this all
self harm
substance abuse
disordered eating


I've spent the last few days arguing with myself over relapsing. It started with cutting myself pretty recently after having a small breakdown, that used to be a normal reaction for me but it's not this last year or so since I got clean and started recovery from starving myself. Then it turned into calorie counting and not eating for a couple days out of the week. Now it's evolved into me trying not to buy cocaine. I keep asking myself why I'm even staying clean. I hate being sober, no one likes me even when I'm clean, I'm trash either way, I groomed myself religiously even if it was to appear to not be sleep deprived. Plus the loneliness wouldn't feel so bad if I had drugs. Hell, I'd probably settle for ecstasy. I just don't want to feel like this for no discernable reason. I just want to feel normal, I don't know what that'd be like but I want it to not be this ******** terrible over nothing. At least I know stimulants make me feel human more than my own ******** head does.

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