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more thoughts.........
I don't know exactly where to start, I'm not really good at this sort of thing. I wish I understood why everything happened though and maybe then it would be easier. And I know I don't have all the answers now and I know I never will. But I wish I knew why I was so trusting. I don't know what to think of myself. At times I feel like everything is gonna be ok. And as soon as I pick myself up up, I right back in the s**t. Everyone always wants something from you. Nothing is free, there's always got to be a price. And I guess sometimes that price is a bit much than I can afford. People always tell me they want me around and it goes great for a while, and there's nothing I'd trade that type of time for. But then something always happens, something that could not be forseen. And it's not really that big of a deal. But you're left out in the cold. Void of forgiveness. But I guess that's the price you pay for caring. Life's not always gonna be fair, I know that. In fact very seldomly will it ever be considered fair and go the way you want it to. And that's ok, we learn to cope and deal. This is life, this is war. And at times I don't know what to make of it. There are days where I hate everything and everyone in it. And days where I love everything. Nothing is ever as black and white as it is amde out to be. And I know I tend to speak my mind be it out of concern, anger, fright, pain, joy. I never hold back what I'm thinking. And I guess that makes me different, that fact that I refuse to censor what I say. I will grant you that people may not always like what I have to say, and that there will be mroe occasions like today where I'm left out in the cold. But I guess "That's the price I pay for being different." Have I chosen seclusion and expulsion for myself, I would hate to think that this would be the type of life I've chosen to lead. But I won't give in and I won't break. I've alread y said I'm sorry what more do you want of me. I know I can't be perfect for you or anyone else. What is it you expect of me? I'm sorry, if I could turn back time and right all the wrongs, you know surely I would. But that's not the way life goes. You have to take it as it comes and just go with the flow. And sometimes that means forgiving people you don't really want to and seeing past all thier mistakes and transgressions. But that would mean a happy ending was in store and we all know this is life, and life does not have happy endings. And I guess nothing is everfor certain, and I was foolish to think anyone would ever stay. You can't really expect anything that great out of people, it's not fair to ask people to be understanding and try to forgive those they feel have wronged them or sinned against them.
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