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Things aren't getting any better...looks as if they'll never get any better...no one cares about me...I'm so alone...I don't deserve any chances at all...I'm not supposed to exist...I'm not supposed to be loved...I'm...nothing. I'm nothing......

Parents...I love you guys oh so much...and I never meant to upset you, disappoint you, or anger you...it's just that...I've become a failure...but I still continue to want to make things right...but things get complicated...Mom left because of me...and that just...worries me and just makes me feel bad...and this time I don't think she's coming back...she left all of us disasters together to die together...we're...nothing without Mom...and I love her so much...I love you Nanay...so so much.......please don't leave us...I beg of you...I'm so sorry for all I've done...I really want to change...but it's like...I'm not getting anywhere...I just need to be understood...and you understand but I just...don't get it...I'm just too messed up...
....whenever I feel down because my Love isn't around and I need him, you take down the Internet line...and you don't get the point that that just drives me crazy...Pagusto ha... I remember the time when the family was devastated by a "3rd party" kind of thing...it affected Mom more than anyone...I'd talk to her, try not to piss her off...I really wanted to help...even jsut the slightest bit...but it seems as if my wrongdoings cancel all of that...and when Dad would go into my room to apologize about everything, I'd get all mad and everything...he'd ask for another chance to fix everything...I still remember one evening he said that he would fix everything...and all I said was "You're no Jesus." Even after that, us children gave them chances to try to fix everything up...although, what's done is done...all we could do is just learn from it and not follow...I wonder...the chances thing...when you make a mistake and you wanna start over, you always ask for a chance...right? Well, I gave them chances...every single time...even though it hurt...now it's my turn...I need chances to fix myself, my grades, and my social status...but most of all, my attitude...they've always had a problem with it, and I try to change...though I fail all the time, I know that someday I would...knowing it's for my own good and I want everything to be alright and I want everyone to be alright as well...As for being a teenager, I'm just misunderstood...ah yes...teenagers...now is the time for criticism and comparison...I'm a problem...the major problem...even though I know that my younger sister right after me is so...well...seemingly worse...we just dont know yet since she's not my age yet...or not anywhere near my level of thinking...late bloomer...go figure...and yes, that may be true, and you always point out those good kids who help around the house...get good grades or even average ones...they're sensitive and they show that they love you so much...they exist as well...and you always point them out...but you never point out those kids who are out on the streets, desperate for money and being badasses who steal and kill to get what they want just for the hell of it just to survive...they were left all alone...and I'm not crazy...I'm alone...those kids who are simply spoiled from the beginning...who call on the cops when they have fights with the parents...Child Welfare...that's it...would I ever do that, even if that would ever exist here? Guess you'll never know until the time comes...all I know is that I'm not like that and I would never do that...I would never do that...I love you guys so much...I love the whole family so much...it's just that I'm the problem and I...should...well, let's just put it as the family would be much more peaceful without me...I want the family to be at peace...at last...

Teachers...I have tried my best to be a good student around school...and I have been...until my Junior year started...since then, I've been totally different from the simple quiet Freshman you used to know...but I was stupid back then...in many ways...my Sophomore year was my best year ever...and I was hoping that I'd be continuing this scholarship and go higher and higher...as the school motto says since my Sophomore year: "Soar High Pisay!!" In other words, soar high to achieve your dreams...do whatever it takes...Pisay is the nickname of our school...we call it that for short...compare it to Philippines Science High School - Western Visayas Campus...from that, to Phil.Sci. to Pisay...okay, off of that......Well, I thought I'd get through it...and I know I would...but I don't know as of this moment...I want to disappear...I know you guys would somewhat mourn the loss of a beautiful mind...but my mind is messed up...I don't really know what would happen...But anyways...you guys have taught me so much, being my second parents and all...and I hope you continue to educate children for the good of the future...

Friends...I don't really know if I ever meant anything to you...I don't think I've ever helped you one single bit...In fact, I've been a burden...I've been a menace...and nuisance...That's why people just don't see me in public...in that sense, I mean that when I'm out in public, it's like I don't even exist...well, it's high time that that will truly happen...they won't even know that I existed ever...when they see my gravestone, they'll just ask, "who was she?"...I was never anything good...I was envied before...ever since I got to this damned country, I've been picked on...My one weakness is criticism...and that includes being picked on...it's like I'm told that there's something wrong with me...and it just so happens that there is something wrong with me...I'll try to make it right one last time...by disappearing out of your lives...

Hayato...I want to make this clear to you...that it's up to you now to fight off Yami if you have any intentions to...I have no part in this anymore...I want to help you and I can only do that if you allow me to...Just tell me when you need me...I can't do much about Yami now...he's just to much...I love you so much and I will leave with my love for you in my heart...that will never fade away...Make your decision...but you have to make sure that if you want me gone or present, both of you are going to have to agree on it, both you and Yami...if he's not happy with me, then screw this...I don't deserve to be loved...I deserve to be hurt and I deserve to die...I don't belong to anyone...I just don't belong...I don't even belong here...I don't belong anywhere...I'm not supposed to be here...you told me once, when I said that I never had a purpose...that I was never to exist...but you told me that our purposes were to serve each other...we exist for each other...that line gets me everytime...but now I just don't know anymore...your love for me is starting to fade...that's why you put more trust in Yami than in me...that's how it always was...whenever Yami would pollute your mind with things I'd never do, you'd listen to him and it'd be hell hard for me to convince you the other way around to the truth...It's okay...everything will be alright...you say you need me...and you will have me...although you already do and always will...I guess I'm just a silly little girl...yeah...that's what I am...you think I'm too young to think straight...God, sometimes I think I'm 16...my body image usually reminds me of that...and the way I think...I really love you...and only you can control Yami...I can't...I can only weaken him...well, I used to...but now it's no effect...you're avoiding me...you're merging with Yami now...and if that happens when he's in the state of not wanting or needing me, then you won't either...I understand how you are...and I love you justhe way you are...I never wanted you to change, but you changed for me anyway...you stopped your lecherous ways...you wouldn't think of going over the cliff ever again...that's what I loved about you...you'd do anything and everything for me..you were dead serious from the very beginning and I loved that...And I still do...I just want you to be happy...I'm just saying that you have to be sure in your decisions...I want you to live on...even though I might not be around so much...eventually, not at all...I love you...and you're worth more than I am...and you've got the power to do anything you want...no one ever listens to me...except you at times...and I loved that as well...I just want you to be sure about this...this is too much for me to take...how you're torn between you and Yami...and me...to make it easier, let's just have you and Yami battle it out...it'd be only you against him and I wouldn't make it difficult for you anymore...and if you really love me and care for me, you wouldn't go die...I don't want you to...I'm not so sure of what I'm doing...I'm a wuss when it comes to death or disappearance...I can't deal with it...I'm hesitating...and if you promise me you won't disappear off the face of this earth, I will come back to you and never upset you...and I'll be with you forever...you can guarantee that...I know I've done that many times...upset you and disappoint you and hurt you and such...I'm just so...wrong...I'm always wrong...

I'm hesitating because of all of you...I care for every single one of you...but not all of you care for me the way I do...I even care for strangers that are just so pitiful and I really want to help them out but I can't do a thing...that's my goal in life...to help everyone to come across...that's what truly makes me happy...what made me happy the most was when I met Hayato and helped him out and put him back together...it took me a few months, but it was worth it...his heart is whole now...as my heart has to take his formerly broken heart's place...and I'm fine with that...I love him after all...he doesn't deserve any pain...I'm here to take all the pain...
My point is that things are always complicated...it messes things up since I'm complicated and complex myself...Complexity + Complication = Worse Situation
I just want to make things right...by going away...but this would only rely on my Lover...if he really wants me around or not...he has to make sure that there's no one that would love him and care for him more than I do...if there is, then best he leave me and be happy with that person...I just want the best for him and I just want him happy...seeing and knowing he's happy makes me happy...and I love him so much...

Guess this is it...I'll just go and try to scar myself now...I won't die though...I jsut won't be in my right mind for a long time...only Hayato and return me back to normal...I want to return back to normal, but my will power isn't enough...two requirements for that -- my intense will power, and his motivation and support...

...I love you all...take care of yourselves...all of you...