No title for you today.
Here I sit in front of my computer.....Feeling low, drinking, contimplating my entire existence.....I'm wondering if it's at all been worthwhile. When I think I'm getting somewhere it falls apart, and when I think I can't feel lower I do. I'm beginning to think all these years of my gram telling me I have depression and I should get checked were potentially right. I've never wanted to admit it or even think about it but......the way I've been feeling lately culminating to now may make me think otherwise.
I've been feeling very down lately and very uninspired. I feel like....well....a worthless p.o.s. I don't have the energy, will or drive to do things anymore whether it be simple everyday things to what the rest of my life will be. I've always felt this way but just shrug it off and assume it's just a phase or something. But anymore I'm doubting that sentiment. I want my life to have a purpose and meaning but lack the will to make that a reality. I have low self-esteem, always have, and I'm sure that doesn't help my case. I've tried to change that but the further along I go in life the more impossible it seems. I don't know if I'm at some sort of crossroads or whether I really am depressed.
It's kinda scary in a way not knowing what I'm really about and what I'm ever going to contribute to society, or even why I'm in existance. I'm a parent and housewife which are great qualities, don't get me wrong.....But I want to be known as more. I want a life again. I miss being able to see my friends or even go out for that matter. I live in my house, literally. As in I don't go out, don't have a social life and such. I look at the same walls all the time and frankly I think it's beginning to wear me down. I love Andy and Caitlin very much and wouldn't trade them for the world.....But if I could somehow easily incorporate them AND a life I think I would be better off.
It's not that I need an outside of the home job to "get me out" that's not what I'm saying.....But to just have friends, people I could call up to come visit or to occasionally go out somewhere with so I could see the outside world once in awhile. I've tried to get some other moms in my area as friends but I really don't fit in with them. They're all pretty well off money wise, living in nice houses and have all sorts of great things for their kids and that they do for them. I'm on the low end of the financial scale and can't do those things though I would love to be able to for Caitlins sake. I try and do my best but I just don't fit in with them. So I gave up. Since I don't go out and anyone I do know around (the 2-3 people)here doesn't have kids they don't understand my point of view. That and I don't know them well or have the time to do so.
So there you have it. I've poured my heart out to you all, the people who actually do seem to give a damn, in hopes that you can give me some sort of help.....I don't know what kind of help but I guess I'll take anything at this point. Those that read this journal on a regular basis already know about some of the problems I've been facing recently and now this issue has come about and reared it's ugly head again. I don't know how to deal, or how long I can keep dealing. It's getting harder and harder as time goes by......
So please......Anyone with thoughts or anything at all that could at the very least ease my mind please share. I am in serious dire need right now. I really don't know how much further I can go it alone.............
Until next time america.....
*song fitting my mood and feelings: "Nobodys Home" by Avril Lavigne*
 ~ NIHL ~ · Mon Jan 10, 2005 @ 07:32pm · 3 Comments |
