I can turn the gray more blue, give me a chance and I'll show you. How to go from good to bad to worse.
And then you'll see my greatest gift is, falling down and takin' it. 'Cause everything feels better when it hurts....
My biggest thirst, is Happiness, in all kinds of weather
For worse or for better, I'll have it anyway.
But happiness, can't last forever.
You know there's never, pleasure without the pain.
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-Written yestarday-
Ugh, it's just been one of those days.. you know..? Where you just want everything to be okay, but nothing seems to quite work out how you'd have hoped it would? Everything was just slightly wrong today, but enough to make me want to cry myself to sleep. I don't know what it was exsactly. I mean, I should be happy, right? But my mind is just... shot.. it doesn't want to work anymore.. I feel sick and need to just cry everything out.. no amount of talking or sympathy can change it.. There's nothing anyone can say to make it stop, it'll just get worse.. It's hard when you've made promises you intend to keep, but when you get this low, you wonder how you're supose to do that.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Everything just seems off... like it shouldn't be happening, but it is. I'm not going to make the same mistakes.. I'm not going to let my fear rule me... but I do, I did....
This isn't me being 'emo' or anything like that. I have a great home life aside from a few mishaps now and again. I really have nothing to be upset over, but I feel like I do... and I don't know why I do.
Maybe I have trust issues, just a little, even though I know noone would betray my trust, or me theirs.. it's always possible... and it scares me sometimes.
Okay, so I'm a little whiney and mopey right now, you'll deal with it.. those who read this always seem to do...
Maybe I do need to go back on my meds, even though I was never really on them long enough to really know how they effected me. I pretended everything was okay, and in time it seemed to get better.
I couldn't stand the pills, they tasted weird, and seemed to never work when I needed them to, so I stopped. How are they supose to help you if they take three weeks to kick in? how do they help when you need help NOW? It's like saying. "Yeah, you only have a day to live, but there's a cure, it'll just take three weeks for it to fully get into your system" HELLO!? They'll be dead! Yeah, no thank you...
So I self medicated... I didn't take my pills, i pretended to, even infront of my mom, she never watched close enough, I'd hide it and pretent to pop it in my mouth and drink the water, then store it in a bottle.... or dump them down the sink. I proved to myself I didn't need pills to make myself better.... but things got worce and my emotional state deteriaorated to the point I didn;t care anymore.. so I stopped caring.. how I looked, how i ate, how I did in school, everything. I was all smiled for my friends and family, but I didn't care... and things got worce.. aso i took steps to make them better.. and they did after a while.. I found a new happiness, something I could really pour myself into and truely be content.. things got better....
But it's days like these.. where I doubt everyething..... I doubt the truths, and the lies seem more plausable, but then I doubt them, and have nothing to go off of but fear.... and it hurts... one of those pains where ists a dull and num thud in your had and in the pit of your stomache and you want it all to stop but it won't....
Is not telling someone, or a group of people, something about your self wrong? Or does telling them just make things worse?
How can I get better if I have to wait.... I have to calm myself down, because no one else will... no one else can.. not right now.
I feel so lost and useless... and even if I slept all day, I wouldn't be able to make the pain fade away. It'd still be prominent.... a dull thud in the back of my head.... I need someone to take it away..... just rip it off of the darkness, quick, like a bandaid. Only hurt for a few more seconds, then throw it away, and everythings fixed.....But the someone I want to do it can't... not yet....
I want to tell him this directly, but the last time I was this low, I dragged him down with me.. my happiness...
I don't want to cry, but it's the only way to make the tears stop.. to let them run out.. I don't want to drag him down again.... but I wanted to tell him so badly that I hurt for no reason.... but it's just too risky...I almost lost my happiness last time, and I don't want to make him hurt.....
It's never my intent... but it seems to happen... so crying is all I cna do to save myself, because no one else can.... to save my sanity, and myself.... If I could never see my happiness, I don't know what I'd do....It huts too much to think of it.
A promise is a promise.. and I won't bring you down with me when I'm like this... because how can I help you up if I can't first bring myself back to how I was?
I won't break.... I can't.. I promise.... I may be a little chipped and cracked, but I'm still here.. more or less in one piece...So I can save you when you need to be saved, otherwise, who'll save me when I need it most?
-Today-
So I'm home now... not because it's a senior skip day as negociated by my new class and passed through the grapevine as an excuse day to get over a hangover from the night before, but because I'm taking a mental health day.. one of those not so sick days where you curl up with a blanket and a cup of hot cocoa.... That's what I'm doing.
Sometimes I wonder if I want too much... I don't think I do, but I can't help but think it.... Though I'm in a much better state of mind now, I'm still fragile. It's a much needed day off from everything that's a major stress, a day where I cna just rest and not worry about anything. A quiet day meant for me and no one else.
 OokamiD · Tue Oct 03, 2006 @ 01:03pm · 2 Comments |
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