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[******** a lame title... stressed
Oh dear Lord, I feel so bad -- inside and out. Inside-inside, inside, and out. I know...pretty confusing... Inside-inside would pertain to my feelings. Inside, would mean that thingy that girls all have in them...that thingy that develops a lining of blood in an average of 28 days... stare And out...well, I knida punched the wall again today...and my knuckles are sore again...not just that...I simply feel ******** forgot to take my meds again...*goes to take meds*
*is back from taking meds*
Hmm...my exams results were pretty good. So far, I know these:
Socials: 60/85 ...or was it 55...
Biology, Microbiology (Elective): Goddamnit, I have been forgetting my scores...But I scored good on these. ^^
Physics: 31/50 (Yesh!!! I retain my grade...WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! ...but...I'm not as happy as I'm supposed to be...)
Filipino: 45/70 ...good enough...
Math 4 (PreCal Approach on Trigo): 66/100 ...yes, I know it's a shitty score...but I still pass and retain my ******** 3.0...better retained than decreased...what a ******** line...
Um...Chemistry, I don't know of yet...or do I...I might as well have forgotten...
English...we had to do a write-up kind of thing...it wasn't an "on-the-spot" kind of exam...I got a sixty-something out of 75... But my teacher made a commentary out of my Long Test...put lots of comments like...I was honest and everything...I don't know how my work implied that...but I guess I'm pretty honest...I stand for the truth...^^
My Long Test in Health class...scored 41/45...2nd highest score -- 1 point difference. But I share second place...with Lexi...^^ But still...proves I know lots about suicide...how to deal with a suicide patient...and ALSO proves that I am a responsible suicide victim.......riiiiiiiight...like that made sense...
Chemistry class has become interesting...school as a whole has become interesting, actually. I have been such a leader when it comes to practical examinations -- situations where you have to do some procedures. I've been doing MUCH better in Microbiology that it's practically me who does the lab procedures while Kent and Abbie work on the lab report...tsk tsk...I do nothing compared to what they do...XP As for Chemistry class, it's like I'm the leader all the time. I can be pushy at times, but I try my best to be nice. Well, I AM nice...I'm just afraid that my groupmates think otherwise...I always think like that...
It's sad to admit that we're 5 months into school and only have 5 more months to go and achieve whatever we're set to achieve this year. Well, 4-5 months...and I haven't exactly achieved much...what a shame...I can't do much in 4-5 months...but I've been trying...
I've been trying to sort myself out. I've been crying lately...for almost no reason. I guess it's because...I feel a little...alone...again. I found out some truths which somewhat shocked me. I haven't dealing with my feelings so well...like I said...I cry a lot... I am still unstable and aggressive. I have not been my normal self -- I always get this feeling that people look at me and see some crazy high person. It's like they look at me and think I'm on crack or something. I can explain that. Let's just say that I can be loud and boisterious when I'm not myself. If I can imagine, I can be like Hayato...and I did NOT induce or force myself to be like that. I'm just like this. Then, on other times, I can be very...well, I can be in deep thought often. I seem so doomed, lethargic...DEPRESSED. The weirdest part is that I smile to myself sometimes -- when I see something that reminds me of me and Hayato, I just can't help but smile. I don't know why...but these are all positive things that I see that would make me think of us in such a situation. It just...I just can't help but smile. I was in the situation today where I just HAD to smile...well, many times today, actually...I can't believe that I'm this tired to remember any of those...it would imply my pessimism, but I'm trying very hard to remember...
But there are little things that remind me of negative things as well...as names or surnames of some chicks that hit on him...maybe even his teacher... ninja Seriously...I was in the library today and I saw that one of the names of the persons who worked on that book (no, he wasn't the author) had the same surname as his Drama teacher..."O'Toole" ...I freaked out after...I don't know why...I turned the book over to prevent myself from growling some more -- it was a library...I couldn't exactly make much noise...
One thing though...I was very touchy and cranky today. I was totally fine...until I went into some kind of depression or something...a rather rageful one. Let me remember and trace back the events. Today went by that it's like everything was just a blur. And yes, I know that my grammar and stating of everything doesn't make much sense. I just hope you understand it. Hmm...What was before our lunch break... First period was Health, then supposedly Biology but since Sir Oliver gets to school later in the day at around 9 or something, being a BioRes teacher, we had Socials. After that, we had Chemistry. Then had a break, then used Club period for Physics. After that, we had Filipino, then Lunch...I guess it had to do with time in the library. I really don't remember. I think I'm developing some kind of mental disorder or something. I don't want that...it's horrible having one... I guess it had to do with Miroy (Laurenz)...that guy just complains and complains. He gets on my nerves. He exaggerates a lot. Like in Chemistry today. He was assigned a task that had to do with glycerol -- that oily chemical. He complained about not being able to do it, using his asthma as an excuse. Laurenz...are you really THAT stupid or are you just THAT lazy? Glycerol is similar to oil. Do you think it'd cause your throat to constrict??!? He went all bitchy afterwards...it sickens me...he just complains too much. And apparently, we didn't exactly need him in that experiment -- it was simple.
...I wonder what's happening to me...I kinda pushed Cha away that time. I regret that... Oh, NOW I remember what might've pissed me off. After heading to the library, I went to the classroom. I threw some stuff across the room (something that would normally stain cloth) and I didn't know that it had hit KF. I went to the restroom right after, planning to sleep after freshening up (I know it's ironic), but Cha tagged along with me and invited me for lunch. I didn't feel like eating though. After freshening up, I waited for Charisse to finish up. I met KF outside and she asked if I was the one who threw that staining thingy and I said "yes." She was a little disappointed in me...and embarrassing for me. She would call me her so-called "idol." I don't exactly know why, but it's more likely because of how I act and speak. *shrugs* I sat down on the stairs outside the restroom and sulked...I think that's where I fell into depression. Cha was done so we walked downstairs together. After walking one case down, I didn't turn fully to go down the next case to the ground floor. Instead, I walked straight to the wall and punched it thrice. I just had to let my rage out. Like I said, I had been aggressive since the 14th of September. Well, I have been turning aggressive since then, rather. I know it's not healthy...but I can't stand the rage. I want to let it out on people, but that would be a little too machiavellian...Well, I AM pretty much a cynic -- I remember my English teacher saying that I was being cynical, along with a bonus on that essay on the exam last school year.
I have a shitload to talk about. But I'm supposed to me typing some crap down. Anyways...I'll be writing a little more soon...very soon...maybe even later if I still have the time.
 Mary Hiryu · Wed Oct 18, 2006 @ 02:17pm · 0 Comments |
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