Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Well, I don't know what to write about this time. A few more updates, perhaps?
One, I got my computer's OS upgraded from a Win98 to an xpProf. I think...that's pretty much it. That's the only major things that actually happened since I wrote about Intrams and Intrams Night.
I guess my rambling for today would revolve around criticism.

Ever felt that you weren't ever good enough, no matter how much you try? Isn't a shitty feeling? You keep on doing your best, but it's never good enough. Not even the slightest bit. Or, it's like, you please the person, but after a bit you anger him so quickly, so greatly, with a little mistake.
Some people have pride as well, and they're not willing to let down until they win. They'll do anything to win. And if they just don't, they...kinda go into a rage and get all touchy. They always think they're right; they think that they're superior. Well, they're right about that, but once it's your defeat, then you just have to accept it, right? You can't always be right.
I just don't get it. They expect me to be a role model for my younger siblings. Yes, I know what's right and wrong, but think about it -- who are my role models supposed to be? THEM...correct? They set a good example, yes, but the way they can handle things can alter how I see things. But it's just something I thought up. It's like some kind of alibi I thought up. The crappiest alibi, actually.
I'm come to know that I am not the greatest being around. In fact, I have such low self-esteem. Well, most of the time. As for my confidence, it's steady at one level. I only get confidence bursts or charisma when they come along. They usually come at the right time, sometimes not, but it still helps. Although afterwards, I feel like I gotta vomit or something. It's my adrenaline -- I luff my adrenaline. It always comes at the right time, but usually at wrong times. I get all ragey and hyper once it's not handled properly. sweatdrop [And yes, I know that I am going off-track...waaay off-track... xp ]
Hmm...I was gonna talk about something else, but I think I got it all clarified.

...

Oh, yeah, now I remember...HONESTY and PROMISES. Now I remember...
Honesty. Honestly, I think that I'm one of the most honest people I've known. And it seems so easy for me to tell the truth as well. Wanna know why? I don't make mistakes that are hard to get out of. AND I know how to deal with the consequences by accepting my mistake and I'm willing to suffer any consequences. Well, yes, I can make some exceptions to particular situations, but in general, that's how I deal with it. I'd never do anything I couldn't get out of. I'd never lie about it as well. And here's how to tell if I'm telling the truth or not: If I constantly deny things wherein I don't let down even just a little bit, then I'm telling the truth. If I deny things but let down after a bit...even just a LITTLE bit...then I'm lying. I admit that I have lied before. But I have NEVER lied, not even once, to one person -- Hayato. And I swear that I'm gonna keep that streak going. I don't ever keep anything from him. That's...why I kinda get into trouble and that's pretty much why he gets mad at me. But I don't like keeping things from him. I'm more comfortable being frank. I can't take guilt. That's why I'd rather tell the truth more than anything else.
As for promises, I deal with such similarly to how I deal with telling the truth. But, like my signature says at the moment, "Promises -- it's either you break them or stick with them to the end." I have totally ******** morals and virtues. Hell, I'm ******** misunderstood. But of course, I'm not the only one. I know that for a fact. I know, I know...very stiff. But that's just me. And you might think my life is so damn boring. It can be, but I like getting into trouble when I feel like it and when I feel like I can get away with it. Ahh...the thrill. But it's just...I don't know...temporary. Everything is temporary...except for some things.

Being misunderstood sucks. And I'm sure lots of people agree. You don't exactly get your say in things. It's like your efforts to defend or explain yourself are futile and you can't do anything about it. [Yes, I know that I'm complaining so much...and I think this is a stupid journal entry...and NO, I'm not doing it just for the gold... stressed ]

I complain so much. I've noticed that. I'll stop now. But...just have a