I Feel Infinite
by: Ahiru
Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make all this go away. And disappear.
I know that's wrong because it's my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better.
I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they're here.
Do they like their jobs?
Or us?
And I wonder how smart they were when they were 15.
Not in a mean way.
In a curious way.
It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report on top of that.
Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And wondering why.
Especially since I know that if they went to another school, the person who had their heart broken would have had their heart broken by somebody else.
Why does it have to be so personal?
It's so much easier not to know things sometimes.
Things change. Friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anyone.
I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everyone was, especially me.
I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people.
You can't just sit there and put everyone's life before your own and think that it counts as love.
You just can't.
You have to do things.
I'm going to do what i want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is.
And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or for what they don't know.
I don't know...
I guess there could always be someone else to blame.
It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there.
Because it's okay to feel things.
And be who you are about them.
I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite.
I
Feel
Infinite.
