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Hmm...14 days and still no word...this is supposed to drive me crazy. It is, actually...and it's never changed. Whenever this happens, I feel insecure. But then again, it shows me just how dependent I've become. Not that I'm totally weak, but I've become dependent. And then there are questions that are generated...
Is he okay?
Has he found someone else and done something shameful that he would never want to come back to me?
Does he still think I've lost my virginity and have been cheating on him all along?
...Does he still want me?
...Does he still want to do those things we had planned out before?
The most depressing thing: Has he finally lost it and gone over the edge...
...it's pathetic of me to think this way. That's why I try not to think at all. I sleep as much as I can. And I know that the "sleep" thing can be taken as a suicide attempt with the point of "I just want to sleep and not think anymore." I don't completely feel like that. I just don't feel trusted is what I'm saying. People can be so feeble-minded and trust liars. They can be so gullible as to get them into believing lies. Not that I'm pointing this at anyone in particular, but that's just how it is. In my case, I don't feel trusted since...I've never ever lied to him. I have nothing to hide. I've told him everything -- things he should know and things he shouln't know. That's why we'd always fight -- misinterpretation and misunderstanding of the things I say. I just wanted to tell him everything there is to know about me so he wouldn't wonder why I'd do such a thing. He misunderstood me at this one point where I said that I got along better with boys more than with girls ever since I was a young child. He got the thought of me being a flirty playgirl...do you think I am one??? What would that imply in the first place and in correct terms? It'd mean that I'd be the tough chick...the boyish one...not the preppy girly-girl. Then again...he's grown up there for his whole life...he knows things that I can't even remember about the major countries. I was in the US for half my life and it was in the year 2000 when we left to the Philippines. Besides...I was a little pampered and ignorant at the age of 7...I started to learn by the age of 9 when someone stole my Gameboy straight from my pocket...
I just don't get it...why am I one that can't be trusted? I haven't done anyone any harm...they get hurt by misunderstanding and I never mean it...I just hope someone would put their complete trust in me...my parents don't completely trust me either...proof: They won't let me use the cameraphone...because they think I might drop it...when Dad even misplaced it and when crazy looking for it...ironic...
...what a curse...I can't be trusted...it's a shame...
 Mary Hiryu · Sun Nov 19, 2006 @ 07:03am · 0 Comments |
