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I don’t know what to make of all the s**t in life right now. Sometimes everything will seem like its going great and things are finally turning around, but then there’s always something to pull me back down. As soon as I get up I’m right back in the s**t. Maybe it’s unfair for me to be this way and maybe I’m a selfish person. I know what I want and I still choose to pursue it, maybe this just wasn’t meant for me. I don’t know what to make of it all and it leaves me feeling so torn. I’ve never wanted something so badly, I’ve done so much s**t in life and I’ve made so many mistakes, but nothing has ever felt so right. But I’m not expecting anything, maybe its better that way. I still feel so ugly though cause of the things I’ve done. The drugs, the girls, the booze, the violence, all the dumb s**t, all the scars I try to hide and all the words I wish I could take back. Maybe I do move to fast in some aspects of life, but I know that life waits for no one, certainly not for me. I try to be patient and understanding but I know what I want and apparently that makes me selfish to feel this way. I try not be pushy and I try not to be demanding. I want to believe I’m something different than most people out there but I only prove my point I’ve made several times in life that people at one point or another no matter who they are operate solely out of the motivation of greed. I suppose this is life though, it’s just such a pain in the a** to know what you and to be able to see but it always lies just out of reach. But I suppose I’ve got to answer for a lot mistakes. Maybe this is karma and effect or maybe it’s just god making me pay for all the s**t I’ve done. All the people I’ve hurt and manipulated, the things I did to further myself in life. That is neither the person I am now nor the person I ever wanted to be, but the things we do will always haunt a person till they day they die. There is a consequence for every action we choose to take, good or bad right or wrong. This consequence we create for ourselves might not be the ones we’d prefer or wish for but we have no one to blame for it but ourselves. And nothing in life that is worth having is not worth struggling for. Take for example the biblical story of the man who fell in love, head over heels nuts about this woman at first sight. And he decided he would do anything it took to marry her and be with her. He went to her father and asked what it would take to make her his bride. The father told him that he would have to work for 7 years in his fields. So the man spent 7 years working, toiling in the fields, and sweating blood. After 7 years he went back to the man and asked if he could marry the girl now. Now the father tricked him into marrying her sister, and when he confronted him about this the father said if he wished to marry her he would require 7 more years of labor in the fields. So the man spent 7 more years working in the fields to marry this woman. It was worth it to him even though he couldn’t be with her till his time was up even just the very idea of it empowered him with the will to overcome any obstacle that lay in his path. And I understand that there are things that will factor into the decisions we make in life such as the way people have treated us in the past, memories, fears. All kinds of things, but sometimes all we can do is just jump and hope that someone catches us. It’s ok to fall down and its ok to scrape your knees as long as you get back up. Maybe though I have been thinking about myself too much lately, I know what I want but maybe it’s just not meant for me. Because the actions we take and the choices we make will seldom ever only effect just us. Like stones being cast into a pond they create ripples that run out and into other people’s lives. I feel extremely selfish now thinking only of myself and what I want. I get tired of all the s**t from people. I get tired of hearing I’m such a mistake or that I’m constantly ******** up. I will never be perfect I’ve come to terms with that but still I strive to get as close to it as I possibly can. I guess I owe that much to people. I know there are so many things about myself I have to change though before I can ever expect to make anyone happy. Who knows like Lennon said “Maybe I’m just a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.”
-Dan 12/5/06