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Well, okay. Time to let out some steam.
It frustrates me that people have this stereotypical view of women and what they can and can't do. So what if they're not fitting in the great View that most men have of themselves? So what if people aren't what you want them to be? So what if women don't have the same physical strength, mathematical prowess, and overall 'logic' that men seem to have? Who gives a flip? I truly don't. It makes me mad to hear people sit others in stereotypes, but I hate prejudice even more.
I don't know why, but I just had to say it. That's the sort of thing that hurts me more than anything. Just things like that...Things like that that most people don't even think twice about. Prejudice, lying, hating each other...I'm sick of it now. I don't want to be a part of a life where everyone just treats each other badly and never thinks of anyone but themselves? What happened to charity and love? I don't even see much of that anymore in people. I'm really sad for the human race and how they've transformed. Before, 'fun' was going out with friends, having a cup of coffee and talking over a book. Now 'fun' is having sex in the back seat of your dad's car. 'Fun' is playing other people and making a game out of others' feelings. Why do people do this? Why do they hurt others?! I don't understand...
What is so 'fun' that makes others want so desperately to hurt another? What good does that do?! What happiness, what sense of accomplishment does that give you? Does it satisfy you? Does it make you feel good about yourself that someone else is suffering? Why? I don't understand why people can be so cruel to each other. I wish I could understand...
By some, I'm called 'innocent'. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm naive, too. But I don't care--people should love each other. All these people treating others badly in the name of a man who wanted nothing more than to have Man love one another. But they have to act like it's some sort of divine mission, but all they're doing is harming others. All they're doing is hurting other people...and I'm so sick of it!!!
I wish that everyone could be happy. Could love each other and be kind...
But we need adversity in our lives, I know that. I just wish that cruelty wasn't so common in other people. I wish there weren't so many people taken over by darkness. I wish there was more good in this world.
I'm so sorry, everyone...I'm just so confused. People want love, but all they give is hate. I hate myself, so I understand perfectly well what it feels like. I'm starting to regain the love for myself that I know is buried deep down in my heart of hearts.
So why can't people respect themselves? Why can't people understand that they're worth more than throwing themselves away? Worth more than a game? Life is something that they must cherish--yet they toss out everything that could help themselves, giving in to gluttony and cruelty and anger for everything and everyone. I just want to hurry up and regain the maturity that I had lost before, while I was wandering, trying to find myself. I'm trying...I think I've found most of who I am.
I know that I'm very soft. Almost too soft, maybe. But I know that I'm one of those girls who likes fireflies, fluffy bunnies, sunlight, soft smiles, hugs, kisses, and all the warm and happy things that God put on this Earth as his own way to give his Children happiness. I know that I'm one of those girls who cries easy and gets emotional whenever people are hurt or alone. I just want everyone to be happy...even if my own happiness is at stake, I don't care. As long as everyone else's hearts are at rest, mine is too. It's hard to say why I feel this way, why I feel martyrish, but it's just something about me...something about me that I can't change. And I know this. But you know--I'm willing to accept it, and start to learn to make myself happy.
I also know that I'm rather hot-headed. I jump into things without thinking, and I therefore mess things up for others without realizing it. I just want to help, or my emotions get the best of me, and I screw it all up. I try to cool my head whenever things get rough, and sometimes I can be really level-headed, and I think, when it comes to the important things, I can be pretty reasonable (after a while--of course I get defensive, but I need to work on that. But of course, that depends on the situation, like most things). I also am quick to make decisions, and I can't stand taking sides. But that's okay. That's just me. What wrong is it to just want to think a decision through first? Even if that decision takes a split-second to think about and then I screw it up anyway? Again, it all depends.
Yes, I am a romantic. So what? I've always known that. It's not like I can help it really. What girl doesn't want her Knight in Shining armor? Well, for me, it's my Samurai in black armor, but I'm not going there. ^^ Anyway, I dream of Shika every night (no exaggeration, either), and I love him with all of my heart and soul...and I'm not ashamed to say so. I'm not ashamed at all. Why should I be? That's just me. It's who I am...
I'm also domestic. I want to learn to cook and clean, and be able to take care of my house and children when I get married. I also want to have a career and make lots of money. It all depends on the time and situation. Personally, I wouldn't mind having a home job. But still...I want to be able to make my home beautiful for my husband, and is there something wrong with that? Nothing, in my book. It's not like I'm a slave, but I don't want to be completely useless, either. That's just the way I am.
I'm dreamy. I daydream all the time, and I think about all sorts of things--like images of the future, and hopes and dreams that I may have. I don't care what anyone says. You can take me or leave me. The dreams give me hope, and in this world, hope is what I need. Especially in these dark days...
I'm also protective. Mess with anyone I love and face the ultimate consequences. I'm not going to let anyone hurt anybody that I hold close to me. Try as they might, it will be me they have to walk through. I don't care who it is--a serial killer, a thief...or even a demon from Hell. I don't care who it is--nobody will hurt anyone I love. I'll see to it. People have given too much to me for me to not give it all back a hundredfold. I've been too selfish, and I feel like a mother to her children towards all those I care for--even Shika. I'm especially protective of Shika--although not in the way that he can't take care of himself. I want to be there for everything...and I want to make sure that certain types of evil don't touch him. I'd take the burden if it meant keeping harm away from those I love. Count on it.
And that's just me. Why should anyone expect anything less?
So what if others dislike me? I don't care. They can accept me or throw me away. If I really have friends, they'll love me for me, and not for what they want me to be.
But...
Why can't there be more gentleness in the world?
That would bring me much more happiness to know that there might be...
~Aoi, AKA Jen~
 Jennifer Darknight · Wed Feb 09, 2005 @ 01:19am · 2 Comments |
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