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Barely concious, bleeding on the floor |
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First note, please no comments to this. Anyone who comments this will get kicked off my friends list or banned from everything 'me'.
~Sitting alone on a recliner in a large grey room. No windows or doors. It's semi bright but not enough to hurt or bug your eyes~
*Sighs* Well, it's about time I was back here. I kind of missed therapy with a therapist other than myself. I post what I feel on Gaia not to get attention or gold.. But it's like a release where no one can judge my thoughts or feelings.
*Twidles thumbs on my stomach, looking up at the ceiling*
And yes. I'm sorry but if anyone comments, it will mean exhile from my friends list. I don't care how long I've known you or how close we are. I... I just need some time alone.
Well.... Only a few more months until April. I'm going to visit his grave the first chance I get. It will be one year since his death. And I feel sick. Not physically but emotionally. My thoughts on death have increased two fold. Even though I do not particularly care for suicide, I know a few people who wouldn't mind doing it for me. Ever since his death... No. I can't blame this on him. Not now.
*Grabs Mr. Pockets, a stitched up bear and snuggles against it*
It was always my fault. Everything in my life has happened because I made it happen. I can't blame anyone else for my mistakes. Especially not him. It was my fault he died. I ignored him in his time of need... Like everything else. I was too blind to his pain worrying about my own life! s**t!....
*My fingers begin to bleed for no reason. I squeeze them into fists, blood dripping onto my white shirt*
Okay, okay... A little off topic I guess. I have come to the conclusion that... Maybe I am alone in this world for a purpose. Maybe I'm just meant to be by myself. Two deaths, three break ups, and a punch to the gut in the last five years. Ouch.
*Wipes hands on my jeans, staining them brown. The bear, forgotten on the floor*
I don't mind being alone, really. Not at all. But... I wish I had someone special... Somone who doesn't need me to help them get through their life but a little with mine. Someone who can just be my friend who I can hug or hold and play with without being taken as advances. I'm just a very physical person.
I know some of my friends would concur with idea. But most of them are girls. I don't want a female by my side but a male who's there. There when I need him. I wouldn't care if he had a girlfriend or was gay or was a vampire or something or other. Actually...
*Off topic*
I am looking for one of the hunters that caught me earlier in the year; of last year. The one who sliced up my arm. When you don't want them they are never around but when you are on the brink of not caring they never show up. Maybe I should just walk around school and public with a large, "I'm of the unnatural, kill me!" sign above my head.
*Fingers stop bleeding. I play with a dagger, wondering*
I am not tired of living. I want to keep on living. But... I want this pain in my chest to go away. I don't know how. Everytime I start thinking about how alone I am, my heart begins to fall into my stomach, sinking in the acid. Slowly burning within me.
*Suddenly drops the dagger. It clatters to the floor, echoing through the room*
I am going crazy? That's it, isn't it? I've finally hit that breaking point, the point most werewolves hit in their life. I can't stand this anymore. I always thought I was one of the betters. The one who wouldn't go insane but it turns out, I'm not! Big ******** Surprise!
*Suddenly stands, hands against my head, squeezing*
That's my whole life story! Wasting my time on my drawings that will get me nowhere! ******** around with the people at school, shoving my burdens onto them! Screwing my friends lives until they kill themselves! That's my ******** purpose!! You hear that GOD?!
*Stares at the ceiling with undying sorrow and pain*
You made two kinds of people. The heroes and the villains! I always thought that because I was some demon but refused to kill that I was a hero! But no! I was only prolonging my fate!! Damnit! And I'm a the person who kills people, pushing them to suicide, tearing at their self-esteem till they can't stand it no more!!!
*I fall to my knees. I hear them crack against the concrete but I don't care. Tears well up in my eyes as I rock back and forth*
s**t! This can't be it! I don't want to be the bad guy! I can't be the bad person!! WHY AM I THE BAD GUY?!!? IT'S NOT FAIR!!!
*I punch the floor, my fist now bleeding. I ram my fists against the unyeilding stone again and again until my hands are numb and broken. My flesh torn apart. I sob uncontrollably*
Why me...? Why? I didn't deserve this..... No. That's a lie. I deserve everything that happens to me. I deserve Hell and it's firey pits of demons. To be burned alive over and over for an eternity. Screaming in pain and falling on deaf ears.
*I cradle myself with my arms. I don't bother to wipe my eyes as they continue to pour*
Okay... I'm done.
*Two men in white coats enter the room through a non-exsistant door. They pull me to my feet and wrap me up in a coat of buckles and loops. I let them drag me out of that room. The room filled with my blood, tears, and pain. Let them haul me off into a horribly white room. Let them inject me with something that will make the pain go away. I let them let go of me and fall to the floor, without a care in the world. In total naivety and bliss. I no longer know where I am not do I care. I can now sleep until my next session... Completely unaware*
 SikFox · Mon Jan 22, 2007 @ 12:42am · 2 Comments |
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