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1/24/07
Why can't anything ever seems certain like it's meant to be? Why do things always have to be so hectic? I wish I didn't care so much though and I wish none of it phased me, not the broken home nor the distraught man on the street. I wish I wasn't so trusting and that I found it harder to open up to people. I just feel like everything is becoming more and more pointless as I progress through life. I used to wake up knowing how ******** up life was, knowing how broken I am but there was always something there to tie me down and keep me sain. Something to keep me safe, my comfort and my shelter. Like an umbrella when you're left to stand out in the rain. But I am starting to feel like all my futile attempts at happiness are catching up to me, maybe happiness just isn't meant for me. I feel like I give and I give and hardly ever ask for anything out of anyone and when I do I'm always denied. But maybe I'm just ignorant to the way things are or maybe I'm simply just blind. "Cause All I want, and all I need always just lies out of reach, I've been coming up empty. Burning out strung along now my sorrow is my song, my whole world is half-hearted. And for my pain I have none and after all is said and done now I'm back where I started." It's so beautiful and so honest. What's the point in really trying if all I'm gonna do is fail. People have no faith in me, I know that I've ******** up before in my life, I've fallen and scraped my knees, I've had to pick myself back up. But that doesn't mean that all I am is a ******** up. But it's becoming much more evident what people think of me and I know it shouldn't matter what people think of me but it's so much harder to rise above when you can't catch a break. People seem to drift in and out of my life so frequently that I can't tell who to trust and who to push away. Lately all I'm starting to feel is a swelling hate and all the disdain I've kept hidden. I'm tired of trying with people and putting myself out there for them to see who I really am only to have them throw it back at me. People tell me all the time that they just don't open up to me cause it's hard for them to talk about things, do they think it's really any easier for me. And yet I still make the effort. But am I not even worth that? Am I not even worth trying to make the effort to open up? I've never had anyone really there for me as long as I can remember, or at least no one that didn't keep me at some sort of a distance. I've never been able to keep many friends cause I can't stand how fake people can be and I make it known. My family is nothing more than shell, just a joke of what the family system should be. They live and prosper off the pain and downfall of others. They might claim differently but the only time they are ever really happy is when there is some sort of crisis, conflict, or when they're in misery. And people wonder why I'm so self-destructive and live for all the negative s**t in life. It's cause it's all that I know and it's the only thing that really seems real to me. Happiness to me is nothing more than fleeting dream, or wishful thinking. To be so naive and have hopes and dreams of being happy only seems to hold people down. I've resigned to being nothing more than human garbage. School was never meant for me I guess, maybe I was just to ignorant or stupid myself. I've come to grips with the fact that I'll be working some clerical job or some other technical career the rest of my life. What's the point in trying anything else if I'm only gonna fail? I feel like such a disease, like such a cancer, like a blight on people's lives. Is this all I will ever be? I would be lying if I told you that I didn't dream of something more than this but I've resigned myself to the fact that this is what was meant for me. It's foolish to ever think that you will be something to someone to think that somehow you were important. We would all like to think that there is at least on person out there that couldn't function properly without us if we were to leave, we want to feel needed. But the truth is that if we were to just one day to disappear without a trace the world would go on just the same. People might grieve for short while or at least pretend to cause they can't be seen for the self-centered, self-serving creatures that they are. But in a few months time everything goes back to the way it was. You have left nothing behind and the world forgets your name. And all that's left of you are some decaying remains and a name etched into a stone. I used to think that I had to have done something wrong to deserve a life so confusing and so full pain. But this is just life, no big revelation, it's just the world we live in. And the world doesn't care to know your name, it doesn't care if you live or die, if you're happy or when you cry. The world doesn't care if we rise above all of this or even if we succumb to the s**t we have to take. Cause in the end all we ever were was just a teenage suicide or basket case on the 5 0'Clock news. Maybe I'm just damaged goods and I'm too broken beyond repair cause anytime I try and talk about this I always get that look that I'm just too naive for letting these things get to me and that I fail to see the bigger picture but it's so damn hard to the larger picture in a world full of pain. I just choose not to remain oblivious to problems of the world. Everyday we see people that have worse off than us, the broken man in the street, the child with no shoes and nothing to eat, the mother that brings her child to school each morning while trying to hide the two black eyes she's been made to feel like she deserved and when asked about she says she just slipped and fell. You see the people that ******** their kids and exploit them for an extra government check, and beat their spouses and then sit in church every sunday. They toss their coins in the collection plate and fell that they've bought salvation for another week. This is what we grow up with and people wonder why this generation has turned away from having any sort of faith, it's cause all of their self-serving bullshit is done in the name of a god even they can't see. And why do we feel the need to justify our choices to people and explain ourselves. I guess it's easier though to just make up excuses for all the horrible s**t we do rather than to say "I just ******** up." No one likes to admit they're wrong but why continue to make up excuses and leave someone feeling like they aren't even worth you giving them they truth? And when you start to lie and make excuses for each and everything you do you can only keep it up for so long before you start to believe it all yourself. I heard once that there are two ways to see the life you can see it for all it faults it and flaws but still pretend that everything is fine when you know it's not or you can see life for what it is. What's the point in looking away, I guess it's easier to sleep at night with a clean conscious though if we pretend that we never saw anything and tell ourselves that there was nothing I could do. And sometimes we like top pretend like there is always a why to everything cause everything in life is a choice good or bad. But sometimes there isn't a why and these sort of things just happen. Is it rage that blinds us, is it greed and the lust for more, is it loving the idea of being in love, or is it that desire to feel needed that keeps us blind and numb?
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