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Would You Rather Be A Widow Than A Divorcee? |
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Oh the convenience. Am I really supposed to put with this any longer? Or would that just be a bigger mistake? I'm allowing him to hurt me like this...I never thought I'd be in a situation where I'd cry so hard because of him hurting me. I never thought he'd hurt me. I trusted that he wouldn't hurt me. I trusted him with my heart...my delicate heart...and he tramples it without a care.
He's putting on an act now. I know it's not the real him. All I can say is that it's painful. It's agony being like this. I can't stand it anymore. I don't know what I should do about the matter. But one option which runs through my head over and over again is...to call it off. I can't do that. I just can't. And I won't allow it. And I won't allow him to do that either... He'll have to prove that he's happy without me.
If this was what was gonna happen, why'd he even bother getting interested in me? Fine, I admit that I was crushing on him, but he had the option to entertain my feelings, or to simply turn them down.
I don't know what to think anymore. Every single thought from start to finish was him. The difference is...different things about him. I'm not obsessed. I'm just madly in love with him and only him and he can't see that. He continues to look past it. I can't believe he'd do such.
I want to stay in love. But the truth is I won't be able to love anyone else. No one. I have no more space for love in my life, whether or not he's still my better half. He just doesn't get it. And I agree with Anna on what she said about him being more decent when he was 17. That was an amazing 5 months with the real Hayato. It's been a fraud I've been talking to all along.
The real Hayato would love me as I am. He'd look past all my flaws. He wouldn't jump to malicious conclusions. He'd care about how I feel, physically, emotionally, psychologically etc. Especially on how I feel emotionally. He would be sensitive to how I feel. He'd trust me. He'd love me wholeheartedly.
And what do I get now? After spoiling him with all the love I could give him? I get this malicious fake. It's the most convenient thing in the world. Getting nothing in return. You know, I'm fine with getting nothing in return. But getting negativity??? Best you shut your mouth. After all the sacrifices I've done, after all the criticisms, after everything...I get negativity. That's very very nice. And if you think I'll allow you to trample me still, think again. That's simply not fair.
I've understood you and your background. You were just the right person to love. You never had friends or family you could really open up to. People discriminated you. And you had sanctuary here after all of it. My arms were welcoming to you. And I'm glad I comforted you.
Now you think you don't need me at all. Well, get this. If you really don't, then find out whatever would be best for us...
And I too would rather be a widow than a divorcee. But don't think I'd want you over the edge...if ever, I'd catch you...I'd try my best to. And I don't want you feeling like this towards me. I can't take it. I thought you loved me. But those were just words...
If you've got anything to say...I'm just right here on the other end, waiting for you. So don't say that I'm the more inconvenient one. I hope day in and day out that I'd be able to talk to you. Just like before -- you'd come online every single day. Sometimes even in the middle of the night when you weren't supposed to.
I know you think so differently of me now because your dilemma between truth and lie. I can't help it. I can't lie to you, and I never have, and I never will. What more could you want?
-sighs- I'm not giving up. I'm not gonna let you go. Not because I'm holding a grip on you, it's...for my own good. Which reminds me of your self-centered attitude. You think more of yourself than anything else. But what could I expect when the world could care less about you? I'm the only one who loves you entirely and you still think negatively about that. What's negative about loving you with all my heart or whatever manifestation would mean similar? I've played it safe. I've never taken any risks of losing you. So don't say anything about me playing around. I know that'd only raise chaces of losing you. And I never wanted that. You broke my heart on September 14, and you've never completely mended it. No one has. And you're continuing to rip at it. I don't know what you're really trying to do, Hayato, but it doesn't matter to me so much. I'll keep on loving you anyway, you demon. Our relationship is a complete irony, but I don't give a ******** about that. Barriers have been broken ever since the world started.Interracial, religion barriers, forbidden love...this is similar, and we're still together. I've allowed this to go on for 9.5 months. If I couldn't take it, I would've said so much earlier. And I'm not letting go. I swear to you, I'm not letting go.
I love you with all my heart, Hayato Hiryu. My [swift-wisteria (wisteria -- Japanese plant that symbolizes beauty); wyvern (winged flying dragon)]. And nothing is gonna change that. I'll be able to love you...forever...and I'll be able to take care of you for just about that time span. That's if...you're comfortable in these arms...just say so...
 Mary Hiryu · Sat Feb 03, 2007 @ 08:56pm · 1 Comments |
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