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Okay... I tried this earlier after this happened but ******** gaia went and signed me out and it never got through.... So this isnt going to be as filled as the last nor as emotional cuz im feeling better... But earlier today, First block actaly at skool... Everything was normal eh? Me, riley ((who has a thing for me... Though he hasnt got a chance, Explain later on)) Kyle and courtny were taunting the teacher and everyone was laughing as normal mainly... Though i was pretty sick and a lil less then what i usualy am. Got out our work and the teacher started going on and on and on about this s**t about 'animal farm' and how it has to do with goverment and s**t. Im there zonned out, really starting to feel horrible like dizzy like and caughing then i bring out my sketch book and start doodeling... I ended up writing a rather dark poem...two of them... I may write them out on here if i am able to read my writing, as i said i was really out of it so i was extreamily messy. I almost slapped courtny when she tried to steal my book and read what i was writing... first sign something was really wrong, i usualy just pull it back and make no real physical contact, but i wanted to hit her badly... No one mentioned it though really and kyle abnd riley teasing eachother as well as cout and me, nothing out of the usual again. but after about 10 min fromt he book stealing i just broke down... I couldnt breath, i was in tears like i had never been before... And this is with nothing to trigger it!! The most thing i can think of to do it to me is when i was looking for something more to write about i opened up the dictonairy to a random page and pointed out "disatisfactory" and tried to write about it... thats when the stinging edge to cry started... Riley mainly said very few things more nervous then anything, court didnt have a clue what to do and kyle... only one who has seen me cry before was trying hard to comfort me. Though he did say a few things that only made it worse... In the end he helped most... mainly by trying to pick me up with the movie "little nikki" with the bunny part... Heheh... i had to think of the bunnies and cheer up for them... I laughed and felt a bit better before going back into tears... Riley tried to make me laugh after kyle said "aww, do you need a hug?" and said "stay back! i hold dangerous explosives to hold back any huggers!" this is when i really notticed soemthing wrong.. well i do now, at the time i didnt care nor felt any better when i said if i could borrow some to blow myself up. I actaly felt like droping dead there... That hasnt happened sence December, If you dont know what happened then me and Nick (Neji) Broke up. Then i did, and today it felt so much worse then that, and i really still dont know why... But anyway, court was in my next class so that was cool there... Plus i had an old note to excuse me from That class so it all went over well.. Kyle managed to get out of his class as well, riley tried, same class as kyle but didnt manage to. So me and kyle went off to the libary ((where i first tried typing this s**t)) And were mainly quiet to eachother for the first lil while, a couple times he asked me whats wrong but i always was silent on that answer cuz i didnt know. after swearing at the computer from the rant i was feeling better, i got my emotions out none the less even if they werent recorded and we talked a bit... Cheaking for riley whom never came and all. I ended up trying a few thinsg to cheer me up... And now kyle knows alot about me with this... I wrote down every relationship i had that had the other saying that they love me, how it ended, the pain and the effects of it... A total of 9 people... And then a list of those that like me currently and how eaither it hurts or what they've tried to do to get me that could cause anything damanging to me. Kyle there said he liked me as well... Which is scary... Cuz hes just a friend to me, yet another one added to my list... It took up a full page in my note book and i didnt bother continueing it as i could of.... I actaly let kyle read it... Im planning to burn that paper later tonight to help as well. Anyway so we left the lib some 20 min before the bell cuz i just couldnt stay there anymore.. i stood up and almost fell over i was so dizzy... Luckily i managed to catch myself before i fell against kyle who was just there to catch me as soon as he notticed i wasnt well. He was a big help actaly and we sat outside out in the sun... That alone made me feel better and i was laying there, in silence again and tears started up again... I looked up to whipe them away and ended up takling to kyle. He, being rileys friend knows how he is more then me. Course riley wants to be more then a friend to me but kyle told me that he has goten drunk before and said he slept with about 5 girls that night, wokr up with a red thong in his pocket... I lost all respect for him then, im planning on asking him if he was ever drunk before and see how he responds... it dosnt matter anyway... nothing i see more then a friend in him. But mainly talked to kyle about relationships and s**t like that. Gained alot of trust in him... Chyela is a lucky girl to see that sweet side i found in him today and dated him, They have been dating for 3 months now, best wishs for a long happy relationship to them. If anyone is now thinking i have a thing for kyle it is not that way. Now he is a good friend, better then before... Talked to nikki about relationships as well how people are psychotic and how guys take advantage... She actaly goten into the exact same truble with her bf as i did with my first... I regret it deeply as does she. I know now my depression must not be over as i thought it was if this happened, from no where? Maybe im worse then before i didnt even relise it? I cant tell... Maybe i'll never be able to... But it scares me deeply... I am not afraid to cut myself anymore because of the experence i've had doing it with Derick, Though i WILL NOT do it again, Vow to myself and others i wont... I still know i can, and im not afraid to anymore... *sigh* Ah well... Life goes on... Prolly will for me, for the better or worse i have yet to find out... This isnt as detailed as the first... Any questions ask... I feel the need to talk about this, i want to figure out what was wrong... and thats a way to. Thanks everyone...
 playwithfire · Thu Mar 03, 2005 @ 11:43pm · 2 Comments |
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