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4laugh Okay so the last one was all emo this one is more along the lines of talking to myself and if it's worth it blah blah blah. 4laugh
Okay so I do put on a mask but is it really worth it? I mean I say I don't want you all to worry about me but I've realized that putting on my mask I've made you worry more then when my mask is off. When I cry in class you all worry until around the end of third hour, and I really do hate that.
Also being your puppy dog I act like it making the cute noises and acting cute, so yes it's my fault but that has caused me to lean on you, yet it has also caused me to act like that inside of school or when you're around. I'll make the cute "koyuu" "areh" "uwah" "kyuu" noises when any of you are around and I don't act like myself.
But like I was saying this has caused me to act like a puppy dog in all my other classes making me seem stupid. Now this hasn't happened before I moved here to New Mexico. Before I moved here around mid-sixth grade I was independant and hated people around me because they brought me down. I loved being alone, it was the only way I could think without being questioned. Then I moved here. Megan and Allysa were my first two friends through out that grade. Of course Michelle also came and my road started to bend. At this point in time my thoughts seemed awkward among you all so I just never spoke of them and instead thought of other questions I knew the answers too.
By seventh grade Brittany came and my road took a whole lot of sharp turns. My road wasn't straight anymore, it was cracked and dented, no longer smooth nor straight. I became distant with Allysa and Megan as I became closer to Michelle and Brittany because we were similar, truthfully they're like me. Michelle is more along the lines of my darker side. Pessimistic, spiteful, quiet and non-caring. Brittany was my more brighter side, naive, optimistic, caring, annoying. I felt similar but they had caused my road to scew.
Now in eigth grade I don't know where my road leads because it's far to messed up to tell. I have plenty of friends, Michelle, Brittany, Megan, whom is now one of my friends again, Brandon, Marcus. Too many to count, but because of everyone I now automatically bottle up my true thoughts, whatever those are, because you like someone I am not, and it hurts, every day putting on a smile, everyday laughing, everyday asking stupid questions. It just hurts me so much because I've become something or someone whom I no longer know. I don't remember my childhood so I can't learn from my past because it's easily forgotten with every new event that takes place in "Victoria's" life.
I don't know who "me" is anymore because everyone loves "Victoria" for how she acts, how she wins awards, how cute, smart, funny she is. "Me" is confused because she's been locked up not able to ask anything, speak anything, but all she feels is the pain. The pain hurts me so bad, not being able to speak my mind, I'm smart, but that was locked away. I have a very high self esteem, that too was put under lock and key. I can't show my true self, because like I said, everyone loves me for who I'm not.
People say being alone is the worst pain, something worse then death, I say, people who love someone that is not you, is the worse pain yet. Worse then death, and worse then being alone.
3nodding Okay done being philisophical and crap
-Vic 3nodding
 Your Missing Period · Mon Apr 02, 2007 @ 12:44pm · 1 Comments |
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