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according to mums doc my body bits are working just fine it's my brain that's screwing things over... in a reflection of my (probably) equally screwed up mental condition. It's like planting your foot on the accelerator and brake at the same time. when i try to raise my legs they twitch and jump and they move just far or well.
it's frustrating as hell. I know I got issues and childhood trauma's (molestation and what not), am probably depressed as hell (if I'd only acknowledge it) and a really negative self image (fun childhood, don't ask), but I'm irritated with myself that it's holding me back.
I can't decide if i'm lazy, apathetic or merely thinking to hard. I start stuff but it's generally a half hearted effort and if i fall out of the habit... sweatdrop shrugs.
I seem to have this ingrained idea that my body is ugly and I don't matter, yet my emotions are all somewhat removed from me.
i don't know what I'm really like. no idea really apart from the fact that I'm moderately intelligent, highly imaginative and fairly articulate (though I can't spell to save myself and my grammar sucks) but apart from a core religious belief (which shifts for nothing and no one) and a strong survival instinct the rest is up in the air.
I want love, a family, a life and so on but at the same time I'm anti social and have no idea how to react to or connect with people my own age and certainly not men. I want friends and a support network but at the same time i don't want to expend the energy... no lets be brutally honest here, the effort of going out and maintaining them. the only people I'd really talk to are God, a professional counselor and my sister. Thanks to a messed up childhood, i'm emotionally repressed and detached except for when I'm pms ing and then I'm just weird.
intensity scares me. I don't know how to deal with it and most of the time i don't really recognize what emotions I'm feeling. I don't really have any drive or ambitions and in there somewhere is the morbid, destructive thought that i'm useless, worthless etc (though right now that's probably true. confused )
I just seem to lack the ability to connect deeply with others though i can empathize or sympathize really easily. someone elses pain can make me cry but mine seems to have to bash with a mallet to be felts.
i hate this. I'm so... conflicted right now.
I wish i knew how other people with similar trauma's pull it off. They go out and date and marry and carry on normal relationships and their bodies don't give them hell over it... so why they hells bells can't I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They probably wouldn't let pain slow them down either.
Gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I hate being so wishy washy.