I'm back. My laptop crapped out and I had to wait until now to get a replacement. I've figured out that it isn't you that I miss but instead the way that I felt while I was with you. I have no idea if I will ever feel that again with someone else and that not knowing is not very reassuring, so I'm still feeling a bit torn and hopeless.
But that's not what I came on to talk about. I came on today to vent in my journal. Today, our washing machine stopped working. But I suppose this vent goes back at least several weeks, to my birthday and for that matter, several months or to the beginning of the year. Something I don't know if I mentioned previously was going on with me while I was thinking I was missing you. I was feeling even more lonely and despondent than I am now at the start of this year. I'd just had a couple of bad run-ins with trying to date men and I was feeling like things weren't going to get better. I started trying to seek out guys that liked "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" that would make good Leatherface cosplayers. Yes, I know that that's not typically how to start a relationship but I had in mind what I wanted and I felt I deserved it after what I'd been going through. After nearly being r***d in my own house on Thanksgiving and narrowly escaping an actual Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I was not feeling too good.
As a last ditch attempt, I tried Facebook dating and I matched with another Texas Chainsaw fan from Texas who would make a pretty good Leatherface. We've been talking since and watched a few movies. I won't say more. So at least I'm not feeling so lonely. But we immediately started discussing meeting for my birthday and he seemed okay with it. Fast forward to my birthday this year, he had claimed every excuse not to meet and our plans were cancelled. The one thing I really wanted for my birthday was to get to meet him in person. My whole 32nd birthday was ruined and that's a bitter pill to have to swallow. We have no solid plans to meet now and he seems fine. I'm not. But that's things as they stand now. So I'm dealing with that disappointment and now, for a second time this month, I am most likely about to be disappointed. For Thanksgiving. All I wanted was to be able to dress one of my Reborn dolls in a cute little Thanksgiving outfit with turkeys and stuff. But I haven't been able to wash the new clothes for excess dyes yet and can't risk putting the outfits on and dying my babies' vinyl. Now the washing machine has broken down.
I voiced my distress at my disappointment to my mother while she was trying to examine the washing machine and she yelled at me, cussed me out and called me ugly things. She also told me to shut up. I tried to reason with her but that was in vain, she only treated me worse. So I went dead quiet and while I felt like crying deeply, I only cried a single tear. I hate how I'm expected to just swallow my emotions and take the verbal beating lying down. I hate too how my space is somehow her space to make decisions. I have a mental map of what I want for my room and the nursery that I do not want to change and I'm always hearing her over the phone, talking to Nana or my stepdad about how she's thinking she's gonna do this or that with my personal space. I don't want my piano in the nursery and I don't want to move Leatherface from his corner into my Beetlejuice animated series corner. I'm not a downer and I'm not a freeloader. I typically see life as a glass half full but that vision doesn't come across clearly enough to her because my autistic issues override my emotions. Yes, I'm sad I didn't get to meet that guy for my birthday, yes I'm sad that I may not get to change Cain into his little turkey outfit, yes it's going to take me time to work through all of this sadness and seasonal sadness from Christmas coming around does not help. But I'll get through it eventually. Mom thinks she raised a Debbie Downer but she did not.
I just don't think it was fair for her to treat me the way she did today, especially when I was already down. And this is not the first, nor will it be the last time. I wish she would learn to curtail it when it happens, instead of acting like she doesn't care about my mental health while it's happening.
Snugglejuice Community Member 
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