Time for me to be a completely spoiled, senseless, self-absorbed brat. cry
Or rather I hope I'm not that bad.
Might as well start with a bit of a backstory.
My father was in a devastating fire when he was very young. His mother and two of his siblings were killed in the blaze; it left him scarred forever. Despite the mental issues it caused, he dated my mother.
My parents have been married for quite sometime now. They're one of those middle school miracles, they've been together since 6th grade or so. When my mom was about 17 she got married to my father. She was also pregnant at the time with my older brother, Joe. They finished out highschool together and then lived in multiple places together. 5 years later my sister was born. 6 years and a few homes later I was born on June 24, 1995. We've almost always lived in the same house since I was born. We only moved temporarily to a nearby lake as managers for a few years and then moved back. At that time my brother moved out. Then in 2006 my sister moved out. From then on it's just been my parents and me. Last January my father tried to kill himself for reasons unknown to me at the time. And now the turmoil begins.
I was preparing for an upcoming play I was starring in around early April. I remembered there was something I could use as a prop in my Dad's office area. No one was home, so I decided to retrieve it. He oftens writes how he feels and prints out personal papers. As I was grabbing the prop I saw one of the papers. It talked about how he doesn't feel confident in my mother's ability to...not cheat. There were two papers about it and I quickly read both of them. I rushed into my room, closed the door, clutched the prop to me and cried and cried and cried for an hour or so. I never mentioned my knowledge to my parents. I only told a teachers and my boyfriend of the thoughts that plagued my mind during every waking moment. Until recently, it somewhat disappeared, it was left unsaid and out of mind. Earlier this week, my father passed out in the garage from great emotional distress. He fell flat on the side of his face; earning him a very swollen face and an injured nose. My mother called me out to help bring him to his bedroom. We got him to his room and grabbed some ice to ease the swelling. Later my Mom caught me alone and told me what happened. She told me that she cheated on my dad. Before they were married and after-the-fact. We hugged and went to separate rooms, back to the normality of our lives. Yesterday, I went into the bathroom and noticed a lot of dried blood around the sink and on a nearby towel and I automatically assumed that my father had a bloody nose. I was wrong. He had actually hurt himself, cut himself due to the emotional stress.
Before anyone starts: I doubt any of you really know the reason for cutting. I don't want anyone to start mentioning anything about my father being "emo". There's a great deal behind cutting; something greater than myself and anyone to really know besides those that do cut for the real purpose of it.
He cut himself quite deep and left a good deal of blood in the garage.
Now this is where I come in, bitching a fit and whining for my own sake:
I hate how it's happening to me; to my family. I hate how I'm the only one of their children that's having to go through this. I hate how I know. I hate that it plagues me. I hate that I'm so selfish that I feel that it's so unfair that it's happening to me. It's truly happening to my parents. They're taking the most emotional stress about this. It's not even about me. I hate that I can't tell anyone I know. I hate that it feels like I don't know my own mother. I hate all of this. I hate the play. I hate the prop I had to grab. I hate that I knew. I hate that this is happening.
And what I absolutely hate is myself for hardling feeling how I think I should.
I miss ignorance.
If anyone else here is going/has gone through the same thing, I'd really appreciate a helpful or kind comment or tip or a form of consoling. Just something positive. A PM, a comment, a sappy forward, anything at all. heart
And for anyone that feels the need to throw a bit of hate my way, I don't have the time for it. mad
Thanks for reading.
· Sat Jul 16, 2011 @ 05:02am · 0 Comments