I doubt anyone will ever read this. I just need to type out my thoughts so they're more coherent.
I didn't get a wink of sleep after hours of trying, so I was up all night & into the day. I decided to get out of bed about 1/2 an hour before my mother left for work. I came downstairs to see her in a state of near-delirium as she prepared for work. She was still in her pajamas and her hair was mussed. Sobbing and frustrated. She verbally lashed out at me and then apologized for it a moment later. Squeezing me tightly. She told me she'd been anxious for days. Recently, my sister came out as an agnostic, and my mother has become increasingly paranoid since. My sister will spew her thoughts on religion and philosophy when she's drunk. Usually through texts or social media, occasionally in-person. My mother is often on the receiving end. She told me that my sister has chosen hell.
My mother feels responsible for my sister's agnosticism. She feels guilty. She told me she wants to die. If you couldn't already tell, she's extremely religious. A devout evangelical christian in the current year. I hugged her back. I told her not to worry. I told her to get ready for work and to leave this problem at the threshold. She calmed down, apologized again, and did as I told her. I couldn't help but smile as she did so. That makes me a bit twisted, but I couldn't help but find it a little bit funny. She doesn't know it (...yet), but I'm an atheist and my brother is too smart and logically-minded to remain a christian for much longer. I hope she never learns the truth. The truth might set her free, and God forbid that. She vastly prefers bronze-age fairy tails written by ancient, middle-eastern nomads.
I can't talk to anyone in my family about this stuff, so I'll send it out into the void. Maybe someone will find it someday. Maybe they will relate.
L0VA Community Member |
|