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So I feel like I failed yesterday at the kindness thing and it's irritating because I truly feel that I want to react to others with love in both mind and action. But the internet is, well, the internet.

Gaia reminded me it is still Gaia yesterday, which is also THE INTERNET lol. If you have an opinion, even if it is factual or backed up, even if its wrong, no matter what if someone disagrees with it online people will be assholes before they have a discussion. We are also in an age where people have become obsessed since COVID with controlling others speech and what can be said so I suppose its not a surprise this has not improved over the years.

For a moment though, I want anyone who might read this to imagine a world where when someone says something on a hot topic that truly deeply irritates us, that if instead of responding negatively that we were to respond by initiating a discourse. Seeing what other people think, even if we don't agree with them, and everything in our being says "NO, YOU'RE WRONG". It would feel difficult and require a certain level of self control, but if we all practiced this things would be quite different. Both online and in person.

But our instinct is to be rude, and put others down. And then we complain that the world is a terrible place when we are contributing to it being less of a nice place. Positive discourse is a rarity.

I am positive I did not respond in kindness yesterday once people started to attack me. I was told I was an embarrassment while a government source was thrown at me (which I found pretty funny actually), so I threw a government article back at them countering their argument from the National Institute of Health while being mocking towards their insult. I know I need to be better, and cannot make people better themselves even though they started it.

I was very impressed yesterday on my favorite discord channel. Friends were having a debate on a very hot topic. Abortion. One of the topics that turn people nasty fast. It was a long online debate, but there was NO nastiness. NO animosity. It was a calm respectful discourse. There wasn't even disdain towards each other. I have mad respect for those friends for the way they respect others. They understand people are different and have different opinions and don't demonize each other. They don't look down upon each other any less and look into each others point of views to see how the other may be thinking. If it was anyone else online it would've been more like this:

"You're disgusting that you think anyone has the right over a woman's bodily autonomy!" "Well I could never be friends with someone who supports murder!".

But they understand humans are more complex then that and much more goes into behind why people form the opinions they do or form the thinking they have and they look at the person as a whole. Things are not black and white, and people and their thinking is not black and white. And us developing this understanding helps us to better respond to each other, and even react with empathy. Another trait this world lacks making it colder.

Which leads me to my next point:

We cannot know, what we do not know, if we do not open our minds to what we may not know.



We must open our minds to other ideas and what other people have to say.



I think people think opening your mind is the same as accepting what the other person is saying and believing it. But you CAN open your mind to something while still not taking on that opinion or belief as your own.

I didn't bother to continue to debate those people because the fact of the matter is they are not willing to open their minds and have cemented themselves where they are. I could have sent them the hardest of evidence and they still would have put me down and told me I am wrong and told me I was part of the problem for not sharing in their beliefs system. They weren't willing to have positive discourse and open their minds, much less be nice. I repeat opening your mind DOES NOT mean you need to share the same opinion after having a discussion or listening to what others might have to say.

How many times have you been online and watched 2 parties debate, and no matter what solid evidence is presented, there is no meeting of the minds? Just animosity and insults. There is literally a refusal to open their mind and at least see why the person thinks the way they do.

Growing up I used to do the online debate thing quite a bit, but I have rendered it a useless thing to do. I probably would have taken an interest in debate if people could be better people. But I still have moments (and this is where kindness needs to come in) where I think OMG how can someone think so stupid? Are they not looking into all sides or are they blindly consuming info? And then I make a comment on the matter like a dummy, and suddenly there's a lot of rudeness on their end, so I respond the same way. My initial thoughts were unkind so I had to say something even if I wasn't rude, but once they responded rudely its on like donkey kong and now I'm being a dumb b***h too. The unkind thoughts are why I responded even if I didn't act that way till they responded.

So I guess the daily lesson here is:

1) Be kind in both mind, body, and action
2) Open your mind and hear others out
3) Don't complain in the midst of your lack of kindness that the world is a shitty place when you are not helping either.
4) Negativity brings more negativity, positivity brings more positivity.

Have a great day Gaia. Be kind smile

Feeling in a deep low yesterday, in an attempt to feel better through writing to organize my thoughts while reaching out to others who may be suffering I found something interesting this morning. I mentioned last night that I knew if I would meditate, practice positive affirmations and subliminals daily and more that I felt I could truly improve. The ongoing issue is that my depression has been taking the form of paralysis or feeling to stunted to do anything.

A few years ago the first thing I would do in the morning was pray and count my blessings and turn on morning affirmations from youtube and say them to myself before getting up. Then I would say all the things I am grateful for on the way to work because I would walk there. Then at night I would play subliminals that would fit whatever my current struggles were. This is something I practiced in my time in my last town to manage. I think it's what kept what's left of my spirit.Then I started to worsen and one by one I felt myself unable to do any of those things until I felt unable to do any of them.

So in last nights entry towards the end I explained the importance of these things in your daily life, and in an effort to help both myself and maybe others I started by listing the things I was grateful for while encouraging the reader to do the same. It seems like I'm rambling, bear with me. I have a point.

I finished the entry, and decided to pop into chatterbox to see if I could show someone kindness. I feel I failed that as well due to a failure in noticing social cues amidst my own fogged mind but I tried at least. Then I went to bed.

I realized after getting up today something interesting. When I went to bed I had put on subliminals without a 2nd thought for the first time in a while. The audio was difficult to listen but it did not cross my mind to turn it off and slept with it on as needed. It was a detach from outcome subliminal on a 396 hz. Then this morning when I was stirring I put on my current favorite morning subliminals also without a 2nd thought. Once I actually got up I realized what I had done before bed and upon waking. Even the heartbreak in my heart from what family did to me a couple days ago had eased. It is still heavy but it feels easier to bear.

I was a bit anxious about my journal entry, admittedly I still am since it is so vulnerable But I see that it is what I needed to do and am thrilled to see a immediate improvement even if only slightly. Now the hard part here is pushing and maintaining the habits. Once I can get back into these habits more I can focus more on bringing back daily meditation. I still feel absolutely awful, but here's to climbing the mountain, because when you give up there is no hope for improvement at all.

So if you are struggling and read last nights post, lets do this together again okay? <3

List a minimum of 5 things you are grateful, either on a piece of paper to yourself or in the comments. We can do this.

Things I woke up immediately grateful for:

1) My mother, her kindness and love.
2) My mothers dog. She's standoffish but is beautiful and sweet and awaiting my attention this morning.
3) My mom's coffee. I didn't have any today but ******** it's so good. It's nice that its there and an option for me to drink.
4) My kitties. My boy was crying for me this morning since I slept in the living room with a humidifier as I am recovering from a upper respiratory infection. I went into the room he was in and got the BEST cuddles and purrs. He's been upset from the move so it was wonderful to find him so loving again waiting for my attention.
5) What a beautiful day it is. I am nervous to go outside with my lungs since it's dry and dusty but I may risk it. There is something quite beautiful about the sun and the trees today.

Good morning Gaia, have a wonderful day.

It has been quite a while since I have posted. It is amazing the amount of things that can happen in just 3 years. It's amazing the amount of shitty things that can happen in just 3 years. 2020 was a year of deep loss for me (not covid related), more loss extending into 2021. That's how I got to start the new year that year. I had also suffered heartbreak, as well as discovered the joys and horrors of being a home health caregiver.

I have always mostly been good and thrived at whatever job I take on, but with caregiving for a short while it felt like I had discovered my TRUE calling until I watched the true horrors of being in home health unfold. From greedy people taking advantage of wonderful old folks and their memory loss for money, to s**t co workers and nurses who could give 2 shits to urgency for a patient on hospice. If you are reading this keep in mind that if you have a loved one go on hospice, the inclination to treat infections and more severe infections goes down. I believe a human being deserves care no matter what state they are in unless they refuse.

What started as wonderful 36 hour work weekends with a patient I adored turned into a hell my heart couldn't bear to witness. For this reason I had decided care giving wasn't for me. I still grieve my patient, as she deserved the WORLD in her final years and deserved a peaceful death. But everyone took that from her as they took advantage.

This is only the tip of the hell I have been through. But why does it matter? I was depressed before 2020 and I am depressed now. Woe is me blah blah blah.
I do find myself frequently disheartened, but I am trying to work on my mindset. But I'll admit it. I often wonder what I've done to deserve to have had such a continuous hard life of pain. I can't even type out what happened in 2020 and 2021 because it still pains me too much to this day. Also, this is online and I wonder where the line is on sharing personal stuff with strangers. As I have gotten older I have found the value in privacy overall in one's life, which is a struggle for me as I connect with others off of vulnerability. Is vulnerability not where the best human connections form?

But I do spend a lot of time with my heart in a great deal of pain. I ask God why he can't just take it easy on me. I no longer feel like myself. Even in pain I have been bright and bubbly around others, always ready to joke and share a sense of humor and some sarcasm. But no longer. I feel as if I have lost a piece of myself. I desperately want to find myself again. But the truth is, no matter how bad I am feeling about my life and myself, thinking about my life and asking "why?" will not benefit me. Beating up on myself WILL NOT help me. And dear Yahweh, let me tell you the self beatings have become horrific. I have forgotten how to be kind to myself, to take it easy on me. Beating up on myself has become instantaneous and 2nd nature. I don't know how I got here.

It's funny because in my logical brain, I know this is not helpful and also irrational. I KNOW I am worth it as a family member, friend, and lover. I KNOW I deserve the best. I KNOW I have a lot of fantastic qualities. I KNOW I'm a beautiful lady inside and out. These are truths I truly do know about myself. And yet it is like the trauma of my brain is holding me back. I became so desperate I looked into TMS and electro shock therapy. Both horrific options I need to clarify, please do not consider these things. After doing research into other folks stories I realized just how ******** up and unbeneficial those options are. I was astonished at how little the doctor had discussed the risks with me.

I can't figure out if I am digressing or not. Much more has happened since that I am not going into. So I guess the question is, why write this and post this? This is SO personal even with what little has been shared. Mental health is one thing I have been trying to be more private about online.

But the truth is, I know as I write this that someone may read this. Someone also in a hard place. The world IS a HARD place right now, and people are more disconnected then ever. Not only from other people and the world, but with themselves. We have all forgotten not only kindness for others, but for ourselves. Depression puts us in our own heads, making us appear self absorbed to the world. Maybe some of us are. I moved to a town 5 years ago that sucked the life out of me. I have been deeply depressed for just as long and any job I worked made it that much worse between the loneliness and the financial strain (or drain! blaugh ) I moved there in a bad state at the time wanting no friends but myself due to a longtime beloved friend screwing me over badly as well as being let down by a BF I had just broken up with in September '17. Now I fear from my choice to isolate and to stop socializing that I have become more selfish, and less of a good person.

I don't want to flip off the car that nearly hit me crossing the road. I don't want to make snarky or judgmental comments on someone passing by or on TV or online, not even in my mind. I don't want to keep the bigger piece of food for myself. I don't want my first instinct in situations to be pissy, I want it to be "Oh, I don't know whats going on with this person so lets take it easy on them". In conflict when someone hurts me I don't want to react with more negativity. I want to live my life with love. When someone does something I don't like I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I want to feel empathy and love for them. I want things to roll off my back like no big deal. I want to feel grateful for everything like I used to. I want everything I do of body and mind to be with kindness. I feel my pain and traumas have made me less so. I watch others who handle things like this and I really truly wish I could be like them. It's amazing what hard times in years of solitude will do to your brain and thinking patterns. This is why I truly adore Tohru Honda. Every time I watch Fruits Baskets I think "I want to be like her". She never lets disdain enter her mind. Everything in mind and action is of kindness and love for her. It sounds odd when I explain to people how I want to be more like a particular anime character. I admire Deku and Naruto for the way they never let anything stop them, and the way Naruto even forgives his enemies and tries to save them.

Through my pain all I can think about is how I just want to get well. I want to be ALRIGHT again. I am desperate to change my mindset, but I feel so stuck. I know changing my thinking patterns is where change needs to begin. I feel so stuck because I can't even get myself to turn on those positive affirmations in the morning, or snap on those happy subliminals at night, or start meditating at least once a day. I know that if I just spent at least ONE hour a day doing positive affirmations to start it could get me on the road but I feel so STUCK. I can barely get myself to wipe my a**. I feel my nervous system constantly in fight or flight. I know though despite this I can't stop trying. And I feel in me that I want to do this for people like my partner and my Mother, but I know ultimately the only way onto this path of mental health success is to do this for ME.

So again, why the ******** am I writing something so personal online considering I am holding back on so many details?

Because the truth is, a family member deeply broke my heart yesterday to the point where I plan to disown them, and today some ******** up harassment that's gonna continue for a while began, and with everything else going on in my life during some MAJOR life transitions I'm going through I wondered if I was going to make it. My nervous system was so active I wondered if I was going to have an aneurysm or a pure mental breakdown. All I could feel was how awful it felt to be alive. I couldn't eat, sit still, exist, nothing. But my Mom was there in the fog listing my blessings, trying to encourage a positive mindset, being supportive. Listing the positive things about my relationship, having a home, having her, ect. I'm not gonna lie, I still feel awful. But shes right, I am lucky. And it's hard to see our blessings when we are so lost inside ourselves or so deeply shrouded in darkness or depression. We are unable to witness the true reality of things.

So if you are reading this, I want you to know that we may be having different experiences, a different life, different realities, that you ARE NOT alone. I know things feel awful, I am sorry. I am thinking of you. You are one of many struggling to get by in your depression or life struggles, but don't give up. I am there with you. ********, I know that feeling in your chest you carry around, or the dread when you wake up to have to make it through another day. Just Don't. Give. Up. People like us, we need to write what we our thankful for everyday, practice positive affirmations everyday, think of the things we have that others don't. Because there are ALOT of people that have was less then we have, whether that means friends or family or material things. It's easy to forget when we are lost in the dark. Read this and know you are not alone. Life is a uphill battle and it was meant to be. We are responsible for ourselves and how we choose to handle our traumas. We are responsible for how we let them affect our choices and how we treat others. You can do it, like others tell me, I believe in you. I feel like such a hypocrite because in this moment I don't feel like I believe in myself but I know others do, and I believe in you!

Stay strong, keep the fight. Feel free to message me for online depression resources such as subliminals, affirmations, frequencies or anything else. I am happy to help.

On a final note, this has been a therapeutic exercise, and I am feeling better. Writing about how I am feeling has helped me clarify some of my thoughts and what I need to do for myself, and sharing it with others who may be feeling just as bad who are also looking for relief has also helped. I truly do wish you the best. We can do this, my fellow human beings (Or Gaians! razz ) I don't care who you are, I love you <3

Now before I go to bed let's practice together things we are grateful for, a minimum of 5. Feel free to write them to yourselves, or in a comment.

I am grateful for:
1) For my partner. My mother told me today some people would do anything just to HAVE a partner to worry about.
2) For having a opportunity to resolve childhood trauma with a parent.
3) For having a Mother that loves and cares about me
4) For my cats
5) For the roof I have over my head
6) For the future with my partner
7) For the outdoors

As a nice hippie lady once told me, GRATITUDE is THEE best Attitude.

Good Night Gaia Online.