I find myself today reflecting on how manic I've been. I've had so many changes in the last 6 months that my body is showing the physical signs of exhaustion, when my stubbornness doesn't want to admit that life is just a little too much right now.
Don't get me wrong I have so much going for me that is amazing. I have my loving boyfriend that I stumbled across when I was least expecting to find somebody that would truly treasure me, and sometimes I'm just overwhelmed by feeling loved, it's great. I have a great job but it comes with stress and communication issues that I'm working out. I work a lot yet struggle financially and barely see my child.
I'm separated going through divorce and my child is mostly with his dad because of my work schedule. But I'm forced to be in this "mature" role, aka "bread winner" because I know my ex can't and will not take the necessary steps to be able to equally provide for our child. However I'm at the point where I know I'm burning the fuse at both ends and I'm going to have to make a change and a choice that isn't easy.
I work 3rd shift making it so I only keep my son overnight once or twice a week. I make more money that way so ive been desperate to keep it that way... but emotionally I'm drained. I find myself beating myself up all the time for not being able to be with my son more... Because I feel like me being there physically where I can read to him, play with him, teach him, and just show him what love is.... so even though I'm working so that I can provide for him financially I'm just not satisfied with that. I don't want to accept it but I'm either going to have to change my shift at work or change jobs so I can work different hours... Its just not that simple of an answer though.
I feel like if I'm patient just a little longer some of the temporary issues will even out like finances. But I also wonder for how long will that last? And it's going to be a whole nother journal entry about the drama with my ex and how I'm going to have to go to court for custody and at that point I need to prepare for the chance that I will end up getting full custody and need to consider child care options because of my ex's history. Thing is I don't consider him a bad dad he was just a terrible partner and has his own battles with mental health and addiction, unfortunately he refused to address those things during our relationship and instead took out his frustration on me physically and verbally for years. So as this is my first journal entry on the site, I just want to say welcome to my circus.
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