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Rose's journal of life
no sleep, no sex for you from your ex girlfriend...
I could continue the lyrics, but I don't remember them.

Can't sleep again.... and I've been reflecting more about my life, so I figure if I wrote it all down, maybe I'd think less about it.

The earliest I can remember is when we lived in Warren, Ohio. I was.... 5 or 4 when we loved there. i made some friends... Melissa (whom I've reconnected with thanks to facebook), Ian, Vincent, John (who is apparently dead now) and... that's all I remember. I was never good at making friends, even then. I remember one day I walked over to Ian's house without a shirt. I was little and I thought that since guys could do it, I could too. Well... apparently not. i think back... and a lot of the things I did, I don't remember being scolded for. Either I wasn't, or I was, just not that severely. Anyhow.... I found a video of my...6th birthday party..? Or 4th, I'll have to look again. I realized that my mom was too involved in her own life, and my dad was more concerned with himself, even then. I guess that was why I was always playing in front of the mirror...? I don't know. Maybe it was cause i didn't have any siblings or many friends to play with. I remember... dad left once. He was gone for a long time. I don't remember how long, or why.

I remember... my half brother and his family visiting a few times. I don't remember how often that was... then when I was 6 or so, we moved to another town in Ohio. I was upset that I was moving away from Melissa. She was my first friend and she meant a lot to me, even then. So... we lived there for a while, I got some new friends... sorta. They always teased me and picked on me, except for the younger ones across the street. I remember the house too. 2 story... had a basement that smelled like cigarette smoke all the time. The upstairs had brown carpet, and keyholes in the doors. I remember looking through them one Christmas... saw mom putting presents under the tree. I always got clothes for Christmas, sometimes little things that were fun. That was the last time we really celebrated Christmas. I also remember stealing from mom... I really wanted ice cream from the ice cream truck, and she said no. So I got the money anyhow, and I remember........ I didn't like it. I still remember..... I never did play with paddle balls after that. I also remember one winter, mom wouldn't let me go outside and play in the snow unless i cleaned up my room. The floor was covered in stuffed animals. So I sat on my bed, mom threw snowballs at my window, laughing... maybe trying to get me to clean my room to go outside. I don't know... I'll never know. I remember going to the Zoo with Melissa while we were there. It was a lot of fun. I wish I had pictures of it. I loved cameras then. somewhere before we moved again..... mom and i left home, stayed with some friends for a few months. I don't know why... I don't remember why. When mom and I finally went back to the house, there was a keyboard there for me, but at the time I wasn't very interested. So many things were going on that i didn't understand.
Soon after, we moved again to Colorado. I was even more upset. When we were in Ohio, Melissa and i still got together. Now I was all alone. I listened to Mary Poppins sound track during the drive from Ohio to Colorado. Mom was already out there.... so I would fall asleep to the music... and have nightmares. I still kind of do sometimes when i hear the music. Grandpa helped us drive out there. It was me, him, dad, Sandy (Our dog) and Chocolate (My guinea Pig and first pet).

Colorado was different. We lived in wheat ridge until i was in 3rd grade. So much happened then too. Dad drove a school bus, mom.... she worked with different places. i managed to make some friends. Chelsea, Spencer, a few others that i don't remember their names anymore, but I see their faces. Things were going alright there for a while, til one evening... I don't remember who said what, but I remember dad crumbling up the remote and throwing it at me and mom. It scared me. He left that night.... after a big fight with mom. Went to Florida... I don't know how long for. A little over a month I think. Later in 1994, Mom and I flew down to the Virgin Islands to visit my aunt, uncle and grandparents (on mom's side). It was a lot of fun. I saw sea creatures, and went scuba diving with mom to get sand dollars. I remember even having my 8th birthday party at a park with the neighborhood kids.

4th grade was.... I wouldn't know how to sum it up in one word. I was in the nutcracker Ballet in school... hehe I was one of the dancing tulips.We were still in Colorado, just a bit closer to the mountains. I think that was also the year I started sleep walking and having my breathing problems. Dad left again that year too. Left for Florida. I always used to think that it was my fault he left. I'd hear him and mom yelling about me and lots of other stuff. I don't think I had many friends that year. They all were in that weird stage of.. 'oh I'm your friend' then the next day ' I'm not your friend anymore! what's the matter with you?' sort of stuff. I think I started Karate that year too. I really enjoyed karate. It was a place I could go, where i couldn't get picked on cause of my funny clothes.

I think I'll write more later...

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