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Sabo-chan's Nikki-sama!
Cactuar's random musings...
I hate the world today.................... No, really.
This is going to be a long rant. About the things I hate. Some of it is mundane, some of it is personal. I don't really think of this as self-pity. Just a lot frustration with a lot of things. It is probably pretty long. You have been warned.

I hate a LOT of things right now.

Mostly just the things that have been going on lately in my life.

I hate hate hate my psychology class. I hate the psyche professor for making my Mornings Monday Wednsday and Friday a nice little slice of Hell. He took me out in the hall for yet another wonderful heart to heart this monday for not paying attention. This time I wasn't even *doing* anything. I can't even stare morosely off into space without him getting on my case. He asks me, "What do you want from me" and I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "I want you to leave me the hell alone."

I don't hate Metraux or my Metraux classes. I love them, and he is a wonderful professor. I ought to like it, since I've chosen Asian Studies as my field of specialization. What I hate is having two novels per week of collective reading assignments from all my classes. No excaggeration. I spend hours reading and never finish everything in time. I'm not Bethany, I can't read 3 novels a day.

I hate the fact that my concentration has been shot lately. I do... I do NOTHING. It amazes me to no end how I can occupy so many hours of my life with NOTHING. Even when I read my work, and sit down to write my essays, Nothing comes. My mind and thoughts are scattered to the winds. I <b>can't get anything done</b> and It's driving me crazy, and all the while I feel like I'm falling farther and farther behind in my grades, which I probably am.

I hate the fact that I don't know how to take notes. No kidding. High school was not lecture-based, I have never in my life before college actually *needed* to take notes, and I don't know what to do now that I do need to. Even when I resolve to take notes, I'll sit there, and listen, and I don't know what to write, I feel like I'm getting lots of good information, but I haven't a clue as to how to record it. And so, when It comes time to study for a quiz or back up an essay with stuff from class, I'm usually SOL.

I got my grades back from Japan, I believe I mentioned earlier. Three Bs and a C+ from susser. I hate the fact that that C+ screwed up my average. My GPA was a B right on the cusp, before that. I also hate the fact that my GPA is what it has been since I got here. I feel like I should be doing better.

I hate the fact that despite passing hours and days and weeks of my life, somehow, I haven't found time to do the things I like, like sew and crochet, or finish my new posts for ED and the Abortion debate guild, and exchange witty banter/debate with people behind cutley dressed anime chibi characters.

I hate the fact that I can never get up in the morning. I slept until four yesterday. I don't need to tell you that of course that meant I slept through my class. And it's not like I couldn't have gotten up, either. Which is why I hate myself even more. Why do I always choose to sleep. Whenever I have the chance, I just sleep and sleep and sleep until it is physically impossible to sleep anymore. This is puncutated by staying up until ungodly hours, or not sleeping at all, as is probably going to be the case tonight. I haven't done my essays because I can't concentrate, I still need to do my take-home test, and the reading, god, the reading.

I hate the fact that the only psychologist in YEARS. read me, at least a decade, who actually was helping me, moved away. I hate the fact that my prescription is running low, and I haven't made an appoinment for a new one yet. I hate my Staunton psychiatrist, partly because he suggested It would just be "easier on myself" if I decided to be straight. And besides, I just don't like him period.

I hate the fact that every time I develop feelings for someone, they are either geographically unavailable, taken, or otherwise unavailable. I hate the fact that Jay is not answering his phone for some weeks now. I hate the fact that I didn't realize this was probably a long-term condition before leaving a dozen some odd messages on his voice mail, the last one pretty emotional. I hate the fact that I can't talk to him. I hate the fact that even if he finds his phone or decides to call me, I won't have the chance to be with him in the flesh again for a year or more probably. I hate the fact that even though he's the first man I actually had deeper feelings for, that we'll probably only ever be Friends with Benifits.

I hate the fact that I can't get along with my father, and to a lesser degree my mother. Sure, it's fine now that I'm away at school, but we rip each other's throats out at home. I've already been told to get out, and I answered, "you can't fire me, I quit" I'm probably going to end up living with Tim next summer, if his parents allow it.

I hate the fact that, according to the last information I have, my brother is probably dropping out of college, and will not have a nice road because of that. I hate the fact that, even though we don't fight anymore, we don't talk either. My brother and I just don't talk. We have grown apart to the point that we have no common ground. I cherish the moments when he asks me for help with his schoolwork, or we watch a show we like together, I feel like its the only chance we have to interact.

I also hate the things that I have absolutely no control over, like the fact that 4kids entertainment is butchering my favorite Anime. Like the fact that I can't even stoke my outrage, because for some reason the school doesn't get foxbox even though we have fox. Speaking of MBC TV, also hate the fact that TNT seems to have vanished when I look for it now, so Law and Order is gone, too.

I hate the fact that I'm having my period right now, that the damn thing seems to be on steroids or something, and that my menstral cup is giving me major trouble, for the first time in all the months I've used it for no discernable reason whatsoever, and that I don't have any tampons <i>because</i> I have the menstral cup.

And speaking of things I can't control, I hate Bush. I hate this stupid, stupid war. I hate that there are thousands of people in this nation dumb enough to believe that we can actually forcefully democratize Iraq and ride off happily into the sunset. I hate the fact that he is doing everything in his power to take down women's rights, gay rights, and the right to choice.

I hate the fact that people are so goddamn selfish. I looked at some of moniquill's links about adoption. And it makes me angry beyond belief. Selfish, selfish people procreating. Selfish, selfish people looking to adopt.

...That's a lot of hate, man.

I think I'll stop now, and try to get something done.

I feel better.

Not really.

I'm posting this in my gaia journal... because I have two journals, and I feel bad about only updating one consistantly. Maybe from now on, I'll be able to keep up with mirroring my entries.

cactuar tamer
Community Member
cactuar tamer
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