About the Esteemed Fellow and Cigar Connoisseur
Dear Readers:—Mitch Bond, that is, I, am an impetuous, pertinacious, and persnickety bloke who has tuppence to toss in every direction. In fact, I'm quite opinionated when it comes right down to it. I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth and the gavel of judgment in my hand. I could rightly be described as a pompously pedantic, overbearingly ostentatious, frustratingly formalistic, sorrowfully sermonic, exaggeratedly eccentric, infectiously idiosyncratic, foolishly flaky, obviously off-centre, cantankerously crotchety ol' fool.
My late father—Adam Mitchell Bernard Bond V, Esquire,
D. Phil.,
Oxon.—was the executor of a forty three billion unit trust, the president of the joint-stock venture
Gem Merchants of Durem, and a jolly good fellow on the golf course. On 5 May 2009 he was viciously murdered along with his wife of fifty-two years, Elizabeth. The death of my parents, the knowledge that the trust had been mysteriously drained without record, and a threatening note warning me of a looming fate led me to flee to Barton.
I began my penniless exile that very day and have unfortunately found that my time and energy has been distracted against meeting out justice for my parent's death with the mindless ballyhoo which is, 'The Animated' crisis, or crises, as it were.
God bless & keep you,
Yr. Most Humble & Obt. Svt.Adam Mitchell Bernard Bond VI, Esq.
Read all about that fateful day in may at
Foul Plots & Animated Lawn Gnomes.
I am also the founder of
The Fraternal Association of New England Patricians, a clan formed for gentlemanly comraderie.
The Official Thread is posted
here.
A Plea for Donations & Information from Mr Bond's Solicitor
Dear Readers:—Following the Bonds' unfortunate decline in fortune both monetary and in general, I am begging for some assistance from those more fortunate in terms of livelihood and wealth.
Would you leave a fellow starved for fine scotch whisky?
Will you allow his gin bottle to run dry?
His cigars to dry out and lose their vigor?!
Shall he forever shuffle betwixt three suits of clothing, no formal evening wear to grace those occasions which warrant such finery?
Shall he never know the halls of his family's colonial mansion?
His private offices with their English oak and floor-to-ceiling book shelves?
The boat house?
The stables?
Shall he never drive his Morgan roadster, again?
God forbid he not plaster his morning toast without Fortnum Mason jam and honey, but I go on too long.
It is an outrage that someone once so privileged should be left to fend for himself, when he is so firmly rooted in his entitlement! Help this poor—formerly rich—fool, he should starve for want of bread, having no skills, but the skill of being a wealthy, snobbish prat.
It may also be asked of those who live in or around Durem, or are in regular commute betwixt the two cities (illicitly or with a pass) that any information gathered about the deaths of his beloved parents be referred to him through the post. (Cf. Disclaimer)
Cordially Yours,
Alfred Francis Britten, J.D.
Bond Manor, 19 April 2009
My parents, myself, Miss Lloyd, Michi (who insisted on wearing black, sheesh), Johnny Gambino, Gino Gambino, Meredith from Gambino Bank, Ian, Rufus, and — quite distantly — Edmund at an informal garden party that my mother hosted for some of our friends and relations.
Drawing Room, Bond Manor, 6 August 2007
On this occasion my mother held a small party within Bond Manor, this scene depicts some of us while we mingled in the drawing room. Depicted here are Miss Lloyd and myself, Miss Michi — singing an aria — Mr and Mrs Wainwright, my mother and father, and our maid, Nathalie.
N.B., I am, apparently, always conspicuously shrouded in a cloud of smoke.
Custom
Visit my website, if you don't mind strangely religious sentiments from an Anglo-Papist perspective, with a swarthy dash of cynicism tossed in for good measure.
Comments
View All Comments
I have talked to you in a while! so... whats up?
also, if I'm on reflection, feel free to poke me... I will switch! lol. hope you have a good day!
I'll prolly be on at 3ish... hope to play with you then!
AHAHAHAHS
you really have some awesome writing skills!
I shall strive to read it! night!