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yup pretty much im extremely depressed right now not only have i had no sort of vacation but each day gets worse and worse ive been working almost non-stop all summer long, with the exception of the extremely miserable trip to washington d.c. that i didnt want to go on but had to since it was my award ceremony, which btw, turned out to be a load of s**t, as i suspected. . . . and the whole time i had to deal with geoff and rick bitching at me and blaming me for anything that went wrong and mom complaining about wanting to see sights but not having time and making me feel guilty because i didnt want to stay for a few extra days, especially since i had to work when i got back. . . . so, all summer i have been working. . . . i havent even had time to see mel mel who was supposed to be in town for 3 weeks a few weeks back. . . . i dont think shes here anymore . . . . all the times ive gotten to hang out with friends, which if im not mistaken, has been about 4 or 5 times all summer long. . . . lets see, 2 grad parties including my own, a movie, a supernatural marathon, and a 'horror'/torchwood marathon. . . .
and im just starting to realize how little im going to see people from now on i should be able to see sian quite often since our schools are so close together, but sabz is going to vegas, v is going somewhere else for the first year, milly is gonna be at least an hour away, jordan is gonna be in kansas or where ever
and im really not seeing the point in schooling right now. why should i go? so someone can tell me that i dont understand how color works or that i cant use a ruler worth s**t? what the hell is a fine arts degree gonna get me? which is what im thinking i want to go in, unless i change my mind and go into illustration or animation or fashion design. . . .
and going beyond schooling, i just do see the point in suffering so much. why live on with all the s**t im getting on a constant daily basis and not being able to see any positive side to any of it. all my work is going straight to college and even at that im still going to be so burried in debt when i get out that i wont be able to enjoy art.
oh, did i mention that ive drawn about 4 times all summer? there was one night that i forced energy from somewhere long enough to do a couple of drawings. and then there have been a couple of times at work where ive had a lot of free time at a certain satellite store so ive drawn some ink pictures, with shading and everything, on the backs of pink tickets. . . . other than that, ive had no time or energy. ive spent any other free time sleeping, eating, or playing mindless computer games with no plot and no real need for energy. . . .
ive downloaded movies and series that ive really wanted to watch for a while now, but ive just not had time or energy to watch them. ive put off playing two video games since january thinking id have time to play during summer. ive picked one up once and played for at most half an hour, enough time to get unstuck, and thats it for the entire summer.
and now summer is almost over. what do i have to look forward too? school. . . . which sounded good since id get to move out and be surrounded by art and be near some of my friends. then i found out only one was going to go near me this first year, and then next year a second might come. and on top of that im going to be forced to work during the school year too. and as for moving out, well im scared as hell about that.
my god someone shoot me. everything hurts.
ive felt happy so very little this entire summer. even when ive gotten to hang out with people, ive had to keep an eye on times and everything to make sure that im not late for work and that im not too tired to work. . . .
and i get no help from anyone around here. i work all day, and when i dont it means that im not getting enough hours in the work week and that there was no point in me even going that day. mom had surgery. and im still expected to do everything for her, just like last time she did. i get s**t for when i dont do something or when i do something wrong.
omg im so pissed that the dog is still here! the dog is so sweet and lovable but it pisses the hell out of me. its not fully house-broken, the cat was horrified of it for the longest time and now that tai is sticking up for himself everyone gets pissed at him as if hes mean because he tries to get the dog to leave him alone. the damn dog was supposed to be here just for a week. rick made a big deal about it. then mom found out that geoffs friend had actually just given him the dog. and no one ever bothered getting rid of him. meanwhile ive been worrying that my cat was going to get stressed out and get sick again. and no one respects my needs at all. i get home and have no where to go.
everything i NEED gets put off. its no longer just wants that dont get met, but needs too.
i mean, do you see how self-pittying i am right now? do you think a normal, healthy person would feel this bad for themselves?
sometimes all i want is to be able to tell someone something or ask something and get an answer back without being yelled at. instead people just ignore me and talk about their own things or else they start yelling and arguing with me.
im so unhappy right now. im so tired and sick and depressed. sometimes i just want to fall whereever i happen to be standing at the moment and sit there starting straight ahead and just space out or cry, depending on if im having a depressed moment or not.
anyways, i have work tomorrow, so i need to get to sleep. and if im lucky, ill wake up a few hours before i have to begin getting ready and maybe no one will be watching tv so i can sit on the couch and relax for a little while. sometimes something like that can make a world of difference between a good day and a bad day.
07/16/2007 Unless they are just about to hurt themselves in a big way, try to let your friends make the mistakes they seem bent on making. There's not much you can do to dissuade them -- at the moment.
07/17/2007 Your opinions are a little stronger than usual today -- but watch that you don't unleash them on people who aren't ready for them! You may need to step back and let them spin for a bit.
07/18/2007 See if you can put all the pieces together today. It won't be nearly as hard as you may think, and once you do, the prospects for the short-term future should be as clear as a bell.
07/19/2007 Ask a friend for a little help with your big scheme. Make sure you don't overthink it, though -- you need to be ready to move when the time is right, and that means acting on impulse!
(i think these two days were the days of our horror/torchwood marathon)
07/20/2007 You're in a really good position to make life better for yourself today, though it might not be obvious until you've already done it. Just act on impulse and try not to overthink things.
07/21/2007 Your altruistic instincts are strong now, and you might find that people are more willing to accept your unorthodox assistance. Step up and let them know what they need before they figure it out.
07/22/2007 You feel as if you're the only one who's not trying to get ahead today, and that might be weird. The good news is that your energy ought to make the day pretty fun for you!
07/23/2007 You are going through something pretty big right now, but you can easily move through it. Emotional upheaval is par for the course, and you can tell that things are going to be lots better on the other side.
07/24/2007 Are you in the right place? It could be that you need to try something really different if you want to make things work in that one club or team. You know you can do it, though.
Unni Ineo · Mon Jul 23, 2007 @ 07:14am · 0 Comments |
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