Shoujo devil evil
You know what, Shoujo manga should be banned from the eyes of all single sad people. The more I read them, the more depressed I get. I know there is a simple answer to that but I can’t put the darn things down. They all remind me of the small contacts I have had with relationships, no matter how oh-so-very tiny there were. It only reminds me of how much more I wanted them to last longer. I hate summer, all it does is keep me inside and provide time for me to think things over. And when I think things over, nothing goes well for those around me. Like a black hole they are pulled into the abyss that is my depression.
I’ve only been in love once and I haven’t seen him in almost three months. I always took for granted how convenient school made it for you to see the one you like. I’ve watched him for four years but I never said anything. And when I had the chance to say anything, it was way to late. He was passed out on his mom’s couch and I was covered in mosquito bites with my mom waiting outside in the car. What’s a girl to do? With all the stuff that goes on in these Shoujo mangas, it just reminds me of how big I blew it. Darn Japanese girls and their ability to confess their feelings. My fear of rejection rattled me body and soul and there was nothing I could do. I remember at graduation he gave me a big hug and I just sighed with relief. That is the small few seconds in his arms that I had wanted all of my high school years. Nothing I can do about it now but this manga is not helping me to move on.
I tell my self that there is no real reason to dwell on this because I have plans of going to Japan. What am I going to do with a crush that I’ve had over the past four years? But then I remember that it was so much more than a crush. But you know, whatever. Another thing that pulls at my heart is the way these Shoujo girls are oh so very in love with these guys and then they have that feeling returned to them. I long for that feeling. To have the emotion that has kept you awake at night returned to you with, some times, double the force. I dream about my life in Japan, finding a love of my own and having my feelings returned. Then I wake up and I am still years away from my dream life in Japan and my cat is meowing for his breakfast.
At times I replay the past in my head, watching Gabe (my lovely Gabe) flip back and forth on his trampoline, dying in admiration as Gabe’s artistic abilities shined on whatever canvas he was given, my moments one on one with Gabe laughing about only God knows what. Some people say that the memories should be good enough when all you want for this person is for them to be happy, and you know that his happiness does not lay with you. I find that to be true but overwhelmingly depressing. Sometimes I feel as if my heart would burst with just the memory of his existence. I always say, “What’s so great about relationships?” but I know it’s just a front. If nothings so great about it, then why do I feel this longing? But I guess that’s the way things are going to be. Until I take a step forward, instead of stepping back into my comfort zone (wonderful world wide web), this is how things are going to be. But yeah, you know how it is, whatever…
Song listening to: Let The Drummer Kick heart
By: Citizen Cope
Reading: Koukou Debut (darn good manga)
