Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I get really depressed when my friends start to talk about school. emo I think it's because I know I'll never be as smart as them. I know I'm not stupid or anything, far from it even, but I'm just not text book smart. I can't do most school work because I'm uninterested in it.

I want to be on top, the best. It's just me. I'm a natural competitor. If I meet someone better than me, I get so jealous (although I don't show it). After I get over the jealousy (because this someone is usually already my friend), I start to get depressed. Depression brings down my self confidence level by a whole lot, mind you. I start to lose interest even more and then stop doing the work altogether.

I, honestly, can't stand having such smart people around me, but at the same time I seriously hate stupid people. Being around my friends makes me feel worthless and stupid. Like I'm not good for much in this world. emo

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a worse position than being in a cage. I used to refer to myself as a "caged bird". Not anymore. Caged birds at least have a bit of fresh air in such a cramped space. I can't even breath anymore. It feels like I'm in some flexi-glass(sp?) box with no openings.

Maybe I'll suffocate soon. Maybe someone will help me. Or maybe I'll break this stupid box by complete insanity. I don't know. And, technically, I don't care. I just want to breath again.