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I need help.....I want to be better but then again I want people to help to have faith again.....especially women. Bit by bit I have misplaced hope, love, my soul or some part of myself on you all and I freaking want it back! When I was younger I used to think women were pure, sweet, honest, beautiful and should be treated with respect no matter what. In my heart I wanted to work hard to find the one that made everything negative not matter anymore, one I could place all my love and trust into...one I could trust with my very weaknessess. Each girl I met and I believed cared about made me feel special...that I had something good to offer them and that's why they chose me but I was wrong and each time I felt weak and powerless because part of it was due to chivalry...the other due to the fact that I loved them and was afraid to truly fight back in fear of being alone and not having someone to love. So inside I hid it or didnt say truly how I felt and that was the first time I actually grieved and cried out of sadness for the first time. It hurt like hell.....each face of the women I've been with are still clear in my mind, I wish i could rip them out, I want to turn back time and undo it or something but I know I can't......I'm sorry for all the wrong I've done but I just don't understand why women hurt me, I cry a lot because of it, wish for death, and ask God why that I can't just have a women pure and loving who doesn't play mind games, who will help me save my soul and give me hope when nothing else will. I feel all this pain all the time because of it, I'm alone and tired. I'm sorry I just don't know what to do and it hurts so bad. That's why I act the way I do that's why when people see me miserable most of the time or lonely and just want to hang out...anything to just help me forget a little bit about who I am or why I'm alone. I don't want to be alone anymore or feel alone or have love and happiness ripped out of my body anymore nerve by nerve and vein by vein because that's how it feels everyday.
Like their bare hands are ripping them out. All I can do is ask God for help and forgiveness everyday and hope he sees fit for me to be with such a woman who does good for me as I would for her if given the chance. All I have is the hope that there is hope.