Star Gazer
Danielle "Sunny" Passanante
Tuesday, I experienced something that is almost incommunicable. Have you ever had
one of those moments in life, so beautiful, so perfect, that you're barely sure it's real? I am
the complete opposite. I doubt reality at most times; the day to day seems so unreal. But
when I experience something so breath taking that it almost seems like a dream, that is
when I believe it is real, because I know I couldn't have made it up.
It was a clear night and I had just gotten some dinner with my fiancé Jon and my friend
Erin. We drove around my home town trying to find something fun to do at least for a
little while. It was too late to go to the park, and we'd been to the mall almost every other
day that week, so we just drove around listening to music on my I-Pod. I suddenly got a
jolt of inspiration and suggested to my passengers that we venture to Island Heights.
Island Heights is a Borough of Toms River, full of rich houses that look like Doll Houses,
brightly colored and fantastic. The whole place lies right along the shore line of the bay,
and is a lovely spot to drive day or night.
I drove the car down near a board walk area, where you can walk dogs and stroll along
the bay. As I got out of the car, we realized how very cold it was, but the darkness and the
reflections of the light along the water made the whole sea seemed to be full of sparkling
jewels and blackness. We walked out onto this one dock in the dark and I plopped down
on my back.
As I stared into the ceaseless sky, I realized how I cherish these moments. Very often I
don’t feel at peace with myself, or the world. Life is so torrential, like a boxer, it just
keeps coming blow after blow, hitting you harder and harder until you can barely breathe.
All throughout high school, I remember telling my mother and my fiancée, I couldn’t take
it anymore, the day to day, the pain, and the ridicule. And every time, they never took
those words seriously. And I just had to keep on living. It’s not like I had a choice, I stuck
to it, hanging on. In a way, I see life very much like swimming in a vast ocean. The hard
parts, the suffering are the dive, the way down and down, until you are almost drowning,
but you some how pull yourself back to the surface. And then there is one great gasp.
Like oohs and ahhs at fireworks, seeing a thunderstorm, being with the people you love
on holidays. These are our deep breaths of how life should truly be. Not the deep dive
into the cold ocean.
And as I lay on the dock, in the dark freezing cold, watching the stars, my limbs going
numb with the night, and lack of warmth, I felt more alive, truly alive then I have in a
long time. Most people feel so alone when they look at the stars, because the universe is
so vast and huge. But I as you know, am not like most people. I feel so connected,
because I know, somewhere, be it on this earth, in Heaven, or even in another dimension,
someone is looking at the same stars, the same moon, and feeling just the same as I do.
And in that moment, I and that person or alien or even an angel, are one being in the
wonder and struggle of existence. It humbles me and amazes me.
It’s moments like these that ease the pain, and make me realize I’m not the only one
struggling this way right now. I may not be like other people, but we all have struggles.
Even as I sit in my tiny kitchen, cats sleeping about the floor, tea kettle bubbling, eating
soup kitten food because we’re so poor: I feel happier then I have in years. Because I
know I’m not alone. People do care. It’s such a miracle to me because for the longest
time, I felt like I was the only one. And this feeling of having someone there to
understand, someone over me and beside me, is filling me.
When I graduated high school I remember how my fiancée said “All the people who hurt
you are nothing, they will never be as kind and loving as you, and one day, you’ll see that
they never mattered.” And he was right. All they did was making me stronger. They made
me realize that what I wanted to do in life, was take all those who suffered, and help
them, in some small way. Everyone needs to feel that sensation, the feeling of the infinite
amount of life and love people have. Everyone should stargaze, at least once, to
understand, that there is someone out there, and they feel it too.
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